Ep 143: Our latest lessons and insights on all things careers and dating

🎧 You can also listen to this and all of our other podcasts on iTunes, Spotify or wherever you enjoy listening to your podcasts 

Hi lovelies!

In this month’s Project Love podcast we explore the topics that have been really firing us up recently in our coaching sessions, Vicki’s Sunday love letters and Selina’s Monday Crew weekly podcast, now on Patreon

We take a deep dive into:

• Side hustles, side projects and hobbies – what’s the difference and how to tell which one is best for you?

• Selina’s appearance at Cheltenham Literary festival talking to Sam Baker about burnout, creating a career you love and a new way of working.

• Vicki’s appearance on BBC Radio London talking to Salma El-Wardany about the rise in women seeking love and dating coaches

• How we naturally fall into an ‘infatuation fog’ in the early days of dating and how we can clear that fog with Vicki’s new ‘Dating Debrief Tool’. It’s a self reflection exercise that helps you to feel clearer and more confident while you date. It’s brand new (launching today!) and you can download it for free here

• And how Selina is learning from her slow COVID recovery that rest is sacred

And if you want to keep these conversations going every week with us, then you can!

🌟 Sign up to receive Vicki’s weekly Sunday Love Letter and download her brand new Dating Debrief Tool for dating confidence here

🌟 Join Selina’s Monday Crew for weekly podcasts, monthly video tutorials, live online sessions and more here!

We really hope you enjoy this episode. See you back here next month!

Lots of love, 

Selina & Vicki x

I

EP: 71 Real love story interview with Lauren Leopold (Vicki’s former client!)

Vicki here! I have the most beautiful and inspiring real love story podcast for you today in celebration of me opening the doors to working with new love coaching clients this Summer. It’s really exciting to announce this to you for the first time in 3 years (where there has been a waiting list for love coaching since 2016!).

Tune in to listen to this weeks’ episode where you’ll hear Lauren’s beautiful love story and journey of self love and transformation.

Lauren wrote to me back in 2015 when her self esteem and confidence were at an all time low, feeling stuck in a toxic and unhealthy relationship. All around her were friends getting married and buying houses together and she couldn’t shake the feeling that maybe it just wasn’t going to happen for her like it had for so many of her friends. She had convinced herself that she would always feel anxious around men, that she was hard to love and that she was unworthy of a loving relationship.

In 2016, I started working with Lauren and took her through the 3 month Get Ready for Love 121 coaching programme and I witnessed her grow and transform and open up to love in the most beautiful way. Over the course of the sessions, Lauren’s confidence started to grow, she started to get to know herself (and actually quite like herself!) and over time, she became available to the loving and secure relationship that she now knew that she deserved.

Cut to today and she has just returned from the most magical wedding in Devon where she married her best friend, surrounded by the people she loves most in the world.

Lauren’s story is such a wonderful example of someone who turned her love life around. It wasn’t easy and she faced a lot of fears along the way but she had the courage and the willingness to learn and grow and do the work and that was key to her transformation.

If Lauren’s story resonates with you and if you too dream of being in a loving and secure relationship then know that you can make that dream come true. Don’t give up on that dream or leave it up to fate or chance. With courage and the willingness to learn and grow, you too can change the course of your love life, just like Lauren did. I am so passionate about working with clients on the journey of getting ready for love and I can’t wait to hear from you if you are ready for that journey too!

If you would like to be one of the four new clients I am taking on this summer on my 3 month love coaching programme then head on over here to check out the programme. If it sounds like just what you need, then fill in the form to book in a discovery call with me - I have put aside time in my diary to talk to you next week (w/c 24th June).

I hope you enjoy the podcast!

Love, Vicki xx

PODCAST - 'Get Ready for Love' series | EP: 10 Are you feeling fed up and burnt out by dating?

If you are feeling fed up, emotionally fatigued and absolutely bloody exhausted by dating then you could be experiencing dating burnout.

And if you are, you’re not alone.

In fact, a study by anthropologist Dr Helen Fisher found that 54% of women currently feel exhausted by modern dating.

So why does dating leave so many of us feeling burnt out and what can you do when it happens to you?

Well we’ve dedicated our last Get Ready for Love episode in the series to this very topic.

Tune in to hear why dating burn out is so common and what to do to avoid it.

🎧 You can also listen to this and all of our other podcasts on Apple Podcast (iTunes) and Spotify.

X Vicki and Selina

P.S. Want to learn the three simple things you can do right away to maximise your chances of meeting the right kind of person for you? Then check out our free dating masterclass.

PODCAST - 'Get Ready for Love' series | EP: 9 Are you fed up of always attracting unavailable ones? Here is how to break that pattern

🎧 You can also listen to this and all of our other podcasts on Apple Podcast (iTunes) and Spotify.

Do you seem to keep attracting (and being attracted to) the unavailable ones when it comes to dating? You know, the ones that seem all keen at the start, or all chatty when you’re first messaging and then, when things start to feel like they could get a bit more serious, all of a sudden they are super busy at work, they start saying they’re not sure they’re over their ex 🙄 or they just disappear off the scene with no explanation?

Then this episode is for you!

There is nothing more frustrating than starting to like someone only to find they weren’t really ready for an actual relationship 😤 so how do you avoid the unavailable ones? How do you spot them right from the start and how do you start attracting (and being attracted to) the available ones?

Hit play and find out!

X Vicki and Selina

PODCAST: ‘Get Ready for Love’ series | EP: 8 How to navigate the absolute minefield that is texting while you’re dating (you’re welcome!..)

When it comes to dating, the whole question of when you should text, how much you should text, why haven’t they texted, what does that mean?! is a flipping minefield.

When I was dating I spent sooo many precious hours of my life worrying about what texts (or lack of texts) meant and how I should respond.

It was a big learning journey for me and one, I’m glad to say, I eventually figured out (and it wasn’t by learning any rules!).

So in today’s Get Ready for Love episode, Vicki gives us her top tips on how to navigate the texting minefield so that you can stop wasting precious hours of your life worrying about texts (or lack of texts too!)

🎧 You can also listen to this and all of our other podcasts on Apple Podcast (iTunes) and Spotify.

X Vicki and Selina

P.S. If you’re feeling a bit meh about online dating and needing a shot of inspiration then come and join our free dating masterclass where you’ll learn the three simple things you can do right away to maximise your chances of meeting the right kind of person for you (plus so much more). And did we mention it is absolutely free? Watch it here.

The most BEAUTIFUL love story

We have the most moving, inspiring and utterly beautiful love story to share with you this week.

It’s the story of Syreeta Challinger and Rob Mackenzie, founders of Moments Of Sense & Style (MOSS), who are honestly one of the most inspiring couples you’ll ever meet.

Syreeta and Rob share their story of meeting in Hong Kong (where they both lived and worked), falling in love and how their whole world was turned upside down when Rob suffered a brain haemorrhage and stroke while they were on holiday in Sydney back in 2014.

They talk about love and loss, hope and strength, the healing powers of creativity and how this led them to create MOSS, a brand and business that aims to create light out of the darkness.

This is a story that illustrates the power of love like no other and a reminder that ‘no matter the struggle, there is always a way through’ (Syreeta’s beautiful words).

🎧 You can also listen to this and all of our other podcasts on Apple Podcast (iTunes) and Spotify.

And be sure to visit their online shop MOSS and follow them on Instagram.

X Selina & Vicki

PODCAST: ‘Get Ready for Love’ series | EP: 7 ‘Isn’t finding love just down to fate?’

If there is even a small part of you that believes that maybe finding love really is just all down to fate, then you need to listen to today’s episode.

It could be that very belief that is stopping you from opening up and allowing love to find you.

It’s time to take finding love out of the hands of fate once and for all!

🎧 You can also listen to this and all of our other podcasts on Apple Podcast (iTunes) and Spotify.

X Vicki and Selina

PS have you watched our Video Masterclass - ‘A Modern Approach to Finding Love’ yet? It is such a goodie and totally free! Head on over here and we’ll send it to your inbox straight away :)

PODCAST - ‘Get Ready for Love’ series | EP: 6 ‘Dating + Attachment | Q&A with Psychologist and Attachment style expert Helen Dent

So this week we have a very special guest on the GRFL podcast! Vicki interviewed Helen Dent, a clinical and forensic Psychologist, Attachment style expert and author of “Why Don't I Feel Good Enough?: Using Attachment Theory to Find a Solution” and we talked all about attachment styles and how our style can underlie our dating behaviours (and the dating behaviours of others). Here is a quiz where you can discover your style!

Vicki asked all of the questions that you sent in (thank you for those), including ‘how to spot the signs of emotionally unavailable men?’ and ‘how to recognise if you yourself are being emotionally unavailable?’. It was SUCH a fascinating conversation!

🎧 You can also listen to this and all of our other podcasts on Apple Podcast (iTunes) and Spotify.

For more on attachment theory then check out ‘Using attachment theory to help our relationships to grow’, which is the podcast that Vicki also recorded with Helen.

We hope you enjoy the episode!

X Vicki and Selina

PS Psst have you watched our Video Masterclass - ‘A Modern Approach to Finding Love’ yet? It is such a goodie and totally free! Head on over here and we’ll send it to your inbox straight away :)

PODCAST - ‘Get Ready for Love’ series | EP: 5 ‘How long should I wait to date after a break-up?

In this week’s episode from our Get Ready for Love series, we talk about dating after a break-up and specifically, how long you should wait before getting back out there and into the world of dating again.

🎧 You can also listen to this and all of our other podcasts on Apple Podcast (iTunes) and Spotify.

Have you watched our Video Masterclass - ‘A Modern Approach to Finding Love’?

It is such a goodie and totally free! Head on over here and we’ll send it to your inbox straight away!

X Vicki and Selina

PODCAST - ‘Get Ready for Love’ series | EP: 4 ‘Can we ever get good at handling rejection?’

In this week’s episode from our Get Ready for Love series, we asked the question: ‘Can you ever get good at handling rejection?’. Selina shares how her narrative around rejection made dating a source of suffering for years and Vicki offers her advice on how to reframe rejection so that it is much easier to bounce back from.

🎧 You can also listen to this and all of our other podcasts on Apple Podcast (iTunes) and Spotify.

Have you watched our Video Masterclass - ‘A Modern Approach to Finding Love’?

If not, then head on over here and we’ll send it to your inbox straight away free of charge!

X Vicki and Selina

PODCAST - ‘Get Ready for Love’ series | EP: 3 ‘What to do if you get Breadcrumbed’

We have a fresh new ‘Get Ready for Love’ episode over on the Project Love podcast and we can’t wait for you to listen to it. In this week’s episode, we talk about breadcrumbing - what it is and what to do if it happens to you.

🎧 You can also listen to this and all of our other podcasts on Apple Podcast (iTunes) and Spotify.

And juuuust in case you missed it, these episodes form part of our new Get Ready for Love series where we bring you bitesize episodes each week to help you to navigate the world of modern dating and find the right partner for you. In these episodes, we answer your burning questions on all things dating and we bring you practical guidance and ‘how to’s in less than 15 minutes (perfect for listening during the daily commute or en route to a date!).

Listen to the first two episodes below if you missed them:

• Episode 1 | How can I relax and be myself on a first date?

• Episode 2 | What can I do if I hate online dating?

And if you are needing some help and support on your dating journey then check out our coaching programme ‘Wing Woman’ where you will have Vicki as your personal love coach and wing woman to hold your hand and guide you through it!

'Wing Woman' is a 2 month coaching programme designed to transform your whole experience of dating. From getting in the right headspace for dating to creating a profile that will attract the kind of person you want to meet, to dealing with dating nerves and fears and everything in between, Vicki will be your wing woman, lovingly guiding you through the dating journey, helping you to approach it from a place of love (and to have some fun with it!). Apply to join the programme over here and book in your discovery call with Vicki.

With love,
X Vicki and Selina

PODCAST - ‘Get Ready for Love’ series | EP: 2 ‘What can I do if I hate online dating?’

Ahhh it’s been so wonderful to see so many of you enjoying last week’s episode in the Get Ready for Love series!

Just in case you missed it, last week we launched the Get Ready for Love podcast series where we bring you bitesize episodes to help you to navigate the world of modern dating and find the right partner for you. In these episodes, we answer your burning questions on all things dating and we bring you practical guidance and ‘how to’s in less than 15 minutes (perfect for listening during the daily commute or en route to a date!). If you missed last week’s episode, ‘how you can relax and be yourself on a first date’ then head over here.  

Sooooo onto episode two! In this week’s episode, we talk about what you can do if you hate online dating (because we know that so many of you do!). We loved recording this one for you.

🎧 You can also listen to this and all of our other podcasts on Apple Podcast (iTunes) and Spotify.

And if you are finding online dating to be a source of stress and frustration then imagine how it would feel to have your very own love coach and wing woman holding your hand and guiding you through the dating journey. Imagine if you could learn tools and techniques to help you to manage dating fears and dating freak outs. Imagine if you could discover ways to actually enjoy dating and make it fun?

Well that is what you get with the ‘Wing Woman’ Dating Coaching programme with Vicki.

With Vicki by your side as your personal love coach and wing woman, you'll be guided and supported through your dating journey so that you come out the other side with a whole new approach and outlook to dating (so that you are actually enjoying it)

Head over here for all of the details!

With love,


X Vicki and Selina

PODCAST - Brand new Get Ready for Love series! | EP: 1 ‘How can I relax and be myself on a first date?’

We are SO excited to share the first episode in our * brand new * Get Ready for Love podcast series which just dropped today over on the Project Love podcast (woohoo!).

The Get Ready for Love series is dedicated to helping you to navigate the world of modern dating and find the right partner for you. We’ll be answering your dating questions and covering juicy topics like ghosting, dealing with dating burnout and whether you can actually make online dating fun. We’ve designed bitesize 10-15 minute episodes that are packed full of practical guidance and ‘how to’s (that can be listened to during the daily commute or en route to a date!)

Today’s episode looks at how you can relax and be yourself on a first date and we can’t wait for you to listen to it! Do let us know what you think, we always love to hear from you. And if you have any dating related questions that you would like us to answer in future podcasts then hit REPLY to this email and let us know.

🎧 You can also listen to this and all of our other podcasts on Apple Podcast (iTunes) and Spotify.

And if you are on that dating journey and finding it to be a source of anxiety and frustration then we have a brand new coaching programme designed for you - Wing Woman, the 121 dating coaching programme with Vicki.

With Vicki by your side as your personal love coach and wing woman, you'll be guided and supported through your dating journey so that you come out the other side with a whole new approach and outlook to dating. You will emerge feeling empowered, supported and genuinely excited about what lies ahead!

So if you're ready for an approach to dating that actually works, then head over here and apply to join the programme (kicking off in March).

With love,
X Selina and Vicki

Podcast | Heartbreak - how to handle it and how to help our friends through it

🎧 You can also listen to this and all of our other podcasts on Apple Podcast (iTunes) and Spotify

This week's episode is one for everyone to listen to, whether you're going through heart break right now or not. 

Because heartbreak is an inevitable part of life, particularly when you put yourself out there in life and do things like follow your dreams and get into deep relationships with other beautifully complex human beings. And yet, while no-one gets through life without experiencing a painful heartbreak at least once (if not numerous times), when it does happen to us or the people we love, it seems that we are often at a total loss as how to deal with it.

So we decided it was time to dig deep into the topic, explore the science behind heartbreak and why it can be SO painful (yes, people CAN die from heartbreak!), share different women's tips on how to get through those early days of heartbreak, see if there is any way to avoid heartbreak in life, look at how heartbreak can often be turned into an opportunity for growth and making positive change in your life AND discuss how we can support our loved ones when they are going through painful heartbreak.

Told you it was a juicy one!

This was a truly heart-warming and touching episode to create, thanks to all of the women who shared their stories of heart break with us and of how they overcame some hugely heartbreaking moments in life. You are our heroes.

Thank you.

x Selina & Vicki

PODCAST: Real Love Story with Natasha Lunn

🎧 You can also listen to this and all of our other podcasts on Apple Podcast (iTunes) and Spotify.

So excited for you to listen to this week’s real love story interview with the fabulous Natasha Lunn.  Tune in as Natasha talks to Vicki about dating apps and 12 hour first dates, speaking your truth, wholeheartedness and choosing to go ‘all in’ on love (starting with going ‘all in’ with dating). And much much more!

This podcast is packed full of wisdom as Natasha shares her love story with Dan and also the lessons learnt from interviewing people about finding love and making it last (check out ‘Conversations on Love’ - Natasha’s bimonthly email newsletter investigating love, one conversation at a time).

So grab a cup of tea, hit play and enjoy! You can also listen on iTunes and now - *drum roll please* - on Spotify!

Really hope you enjoy this episode.

Much love,

x Selina and Vicki

P.S If you’re feeling stuck in your love life and finding dating to be frustrating and exhausting then come and join 'Get Ready for Love’, our online course that has helped 500+ women to find love. 'Get Ready for Love’ contains the 30 essential lessons that we've found to be the most effective and powerful in getting you ready for love and on your way to a happy and healthy relationship. It’s like having a love coach in your pocket, with advice, tools and guidance that can be listened to during the daily commute or en route to a date! Find out more over here.

PODCAST: Real Love Story with Selina Barker

I first interviewed Selina for a real love story back in 2015. We reflected on her journey of feeling completely stuck in love and wondering if it was ever going to happen for her, to feeling an abundance of love, and not just with a loving partner (we actually revealed in the podcast that she was expecting!) but the love that she discovered from the inside out.

And now, 3 years later, Selina is back in the hot seat, but this time to tell a much deeper love story.

This is a journey of hitting rock bottom in life and rising strong, healing and finding your way back home with love as your compass. A journey that starts and ends with ourselves.

This is a story that has never been told before and I’m actually hearing it for the first time. There is such a beautiful sense of vulnerability and intimacy to it. It’s everything our podcasts are about - hearing women opening up and sharing from the heart. And that takes real courage. Thank you Selina, it was an honour to hold the space and to hear you tell your story, your REAL love story.

I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

V xxx

P.S. next week (21st March), we’re running a free Masterclass  ‘A modern approach to finding love’ so if you’re feeling stuck in your love life then come and join us! Head here to save your seat (we’ll send you the recording if you can’t join us live)

P.P.S  'Get Ready for Love’ (our online course to help you to transform your love life) is on its way back 🎉🎉🎉 and almost (ALMOST!) ready to be released back into the world with all new videos, brand new bonus audios from amazing guests and a whole new sparkly platform to access the whole course...watch out for exciting announcements later this week! We are SO excited for you to get your hands on it!!!

PODCAST: The trouble with online dating - why men and women alike struggle with it so much

We are so excited to share this with you - Selina interviews Vicki as she is fresh from hosting workshops on 'How to be Successful with Online Dating' for Match.com with both men and women. 

Listen in to hear about why men and women struggle so much when it comes to online dating and how you can get into the right headspace to enjoy it because what we've learnt is that while online dating can be hard at times, it can also be fun and a great learning journey when you approach it in the right way.

We hope you enjoy it as much as we did recording it!!

And we would love to hear from you - if this resonated with you or if you have any questions on online dating then do drop us a line at: hello<@>loveprojectlove.com and let us know your thoughts, comments and questions (of which we'll answer in future podcasts!)

Love, Vicki & Selina xxx

P.S. If you're feeling stuck in your love life then come and check out the 'Get Ready for Love' 3 month coaching programme with Vicki - she is taking on just two new clients this quarter - imagine if one of them were you. This is your chance to have Vicki as your personal love coach for 3 months, helping you to work through fears, limiting beliefs and negative relationship patterns that are holding you back in your love life. Limited spaces available - get in touch here and let Vicki know where you're stuck and she'll be in touch to arrange a discovery call with you.

PPS And if you'd love to start your 'Get Ready for Love' journey with us online then check out our online course over here which has had 500+ women learn how to approach dating in a loving way and how to get ready for a healthy and happy relationship. As well as having Selina and Vicki as your co-pilots on your 30 day journey, bringing you videos and audio tutorials bursting with energy and love, you would also have access to our private FB group full of like-minded women who support and celebrate each other to grow - it’s gorgeous. We look forward to welcoming you in there!

The power of mindset to change the course of your love life (by looking at online dating in a whole new way!)

When I help women who are really stuck in their love lives, the first place I begin is by looking at their mindset and how they feel about their love life and about dating. Because your mindset is THE biggest predictor of success in your life and plays a massive role in determining the health and happiness of your love life.

Research from Carol Dweck, who is the queen of this topic (after studying it for over 20 years) shows that there are two basic mindsets that shape our lives - a fixed mindset (“where success is based on innate ability”) and a growth mindset (“where success is based on hard work, learning and training”).

Dweck’s work shows how someone with a fixed mindset evaluates the world through the binary notions of ‘success/failure’, ‘winner/loser’ and being ‘accepted/rejected’, however someone with a growth mindset sees failure as a temporary setback because their priority is all about learning and growing. And they embrace challenges and learn from their mistakes, which makes them more resilient than someone with a fixed mindset.

“When you enter a mindset, you enter a new world. In one world—the world of fixed traits—success is about proving you’re smart or talented. Validating yourself. In the other—the world of changing qualities—it’s about stretching yourself to learn something new. Developing yourself.”

— Carol Dweck

So how does this relate to online dating?

Well someone with a fixed mindset would think that they’re not getting results from online dating because they’re just not cut out for it or that they’re unlucky in love. Or they might believe that finding love is down to fate and that ‘it will happen when it’s meant to happen’. Online dating feels hopeless and exhausting from this place, compounded by the fact that other people seem to find guys online no problem.

However, someone with a growth mindset would see online dating as a tool for self growth and an opportunity to get to know people you wouldn’t otherwise have met. Someone with a growth mindset would add the word ‘yet’ to challenges, so they might say “I haven’t met the right person… yet” (usually when well meaning family members ask them that age old question ‘why are you still single’?). They are hopeful about the future and they draw inspiration from the people who are really enjoying online dating and who have met their match online. Rather than feeling threatened by the success of others, they are encouraged by it, as it shows what’s possible for them. They are curious to learn from the success of others and how they work through challenges.

This is the difference between a woman who believes that it’s never going to happen for her when it comes to having a relationship and that all the good guys are gone (so wonders whether there’s any point in persisting with online dating) to the woman who believes that of course it will happen for her, she just hasn't met the right person YET. And it's not a matter of ‘IF’, it’s ‘when’ she's going to meet someone.

When I was coaching a client recently, she was telling me how she has a growth mindset about pretty much everything in her life, particularly in her career but when it comes to love and dating, she feels like she should just ‘know’ how to be really good at it and she puts so much pressure on herself to ‘find the one’. Every date that she goes on that doesn’t result in her finding this person feels like a waste of time and has her feeling like a failure in the love department. Carol Dweck speaks to this in her book ‘Mindset: How You Can Fulfil Your Potential’:

“In the fixed mindset, everything is about the outcome. If you fail—or if you’re not the best—it’s all been wasted. The growth mindset allows people to value what they’re doing regardless of the outcome. They’re tackling problems, charting new courses, working on important issues. Maybe they haven’t found the cure for cancer, but the search was deeply meaningful.”

— Carol Dweck

You might think that this sounds very much like those quotes on Pinterest that encourage you to ‘focus on the journey and not the destination’ but Dweck’s work is grounded in rigorous research into the mind and the power that we have to change the course of our lives:

“As you begin to understand the fixed and growth mindsets, you will see exactly how one thing leads to another—how a belief that your qualities are carved in stone leads to a host of thoughts and actions, and how a belief that your qualities can be cultivated leads to a host of different thoughts and actions, taking you down an entirely different road”

— Carol Dweck

So taking inspiration from Dweck’s work, here are 5 ways that you can use the power of mindset to change the course of your love life, by looking at online dating in a whole new way:

1. Set yourself healthy intentions

Most of the online dating advice out there focuses on how to find a partner but that is a huge ask and puts so much pressure on those early interactions, not to mention the pressure it puts on you and your date. See online dating as a tool to meet like-minded people for a coffee, rather than a way to meet your future husband, which will help to take the pressure off those early interactions. And it means that the date is less likely to feel like a job interview and will be way more fun for you!

2. Get inspired

If you’re feeling disillusioned about online dating then time for a shot of inspiration to get you feeling optimistic again. Ask your friends if they know any couples who've met their partner online and go and speak to them and see what you can learn from them. And find examples of women who are really enjoying online dating (they are out there!) - let their optimism inspire you and get you excited about what’s possible for you.

3. Choose to see rejection as redirection

Dealing with rejection is one of the hardest parts of the online dating process because it brings up all of our fears and insecurities about not feeling good enough. Some people find rejection a lot harder to handle than others and it’s our ability to handle rejection that is key in developing resilience when it comes to online dating. You’re not going to be everyone’s cup of tea. And that’s a good thing (trust me) because it’s impossible to be all things to all people… not to mention exhausting. Rejection isn’t failure, it’s just feedback - maybe it’s feedback about the kind of person that you now know isn’t right for you or maybe there is an opportunity to learn and grow from the experience. Choose to see every rejection as re-directing you to something better.

4. See dating as an adventure to try new things

Clients tell me that they worry about ‘wasting time’ if the date doesn’t go anywhere after the first or second date. So why not see dating as an adventure to try new things? Make a list of places that you’d love to visit or activities that you’d love to try and start ticking things off the list, then if it doesn't go anywhere beyond the first date, you’ve still had fun in the process.

5. Recruit a dating wing woman

You may encounter a whole spectrum of emotions on your dating journey so ask a friend (someone who is positive and optimistic about online dating) to be your dating wing woman to support you and keep your spirits up when you need a boost.

Online dating gets a bad rep but if you think about it, never before have we been more supported and empowered in our love lives. You get to choose how to make online dating work for you (and not the other way around). So if you haven’t been enjoying online dating recently then try approaching it in a different way and see how that helps you to enjoy it more.

The power to change the course of your love life is in your hands and yours alone. And that is an incredibly liberating place to be.

V x

PS Let’s talk more - I would love to hear from you! Drop me an email on <hello[@]loveprojectlove.com> if any of this resonated or if you have any questions or comments. And let me know how you get on with the tips - I really hope they make a difference to you.

PPS If you’re reading this and feeling like you could really do with some help and support in your love life then check out ‘Get Ready for Love’, our 30 day online course that has helped 500+ women learn how to approach dating in a loving way and how to get ready for a healthy and happy relationship. As well as having Selina and me as your co-pilots on your 30 day journey, bringing you videos and audio tutorials bursting with energy and love, you would also have access to our private FB group full of like-minded women who support and celebrate each other to grow - it’s gorgeous. We look forward to welcoming you in there!

BLOG POST: Who do you bring with you on a date? Yourself or your representative?

Ever wondered why the guys that you like never seem to fancy you BUT the ones that you don’t like, always seem to fancy the pants off you? Well you’re not alone, it’s been coming up quite a lot amongst the women I work with. The conversation goes something like this:

Client - “When I like a guy, they don’t fancy me. And when they like me, I just don’t fancy them”.
Me - “OK, so tell me about the last date that you went on where you didn’t fancy the guy.”
Client - “It was like going out with a friend, I wasn't that bothered about what he thought, I ordered a pint and I was just being myself”
Me - “And what about if you DID fancy him?”
Client - “I would have been more girly with him, I would have ordered wine instead of a pint and I would have sipped it and been more delicate and ladylike. I’m usually a bit of a loudmouth who likes to crack jokes but if I fancied him, I would have reigned that in and been more mysterious”

With the guy she fancied, she felt the need to perform and impress him, as there’s more at stake. This could be the one she could marry one day, so she needed to be on best behaviour, right?

We laughed about the Chris Rock sketch where he talks about dating:

Relationships, easy to get into, hard to maintain. Why are they so hard to maintain? Because it’s hard to keep up the lie! ‘Cause you can’t get nobody being you… When you meet somebody for the first time, you’re not meeting them. You’re meeting their representative.”

So my question to you is..

Who do you bring with you on a date? Yourself? Or your representative?

If you’re like some of my clients then it’s usually the latter. Why? Because it’s scary to reveal your whole self, dating feels like a job interview where you’re being judged on how you look and everything you do or say. Bringing the representative feels like the safer option, the mask to hide behind so if it all goes tits up then you never really lost anything. But when you don’t show up as your whole self, what you sacrifice is human connection and when you have two representatives show up on a date then it kind of makes the whole thing a bit pointless. Here’s what to do about it:

1. Relax your expectations on what the date means - use online dating as a way to meet like-minded people and not a way to find a life partner. If you go into the date with huge expectations, it will put unnecessary pressure on yourself and your date and it will feel like a job interview where you need to perform and impress. Instead, see online dating as a tool to meet people for a coffee and a chat and go from there, taking the pressure off those early interactions.  
2. Adopt an attitude of gratitude - dating can trigger all sorts of fears and insecurities, especially the fear of not being good enough. Instead of focusing on all the things you lack, shift your mindset by focusing on all the things that make you great. Step into the shoes of a loved one and think about all the things they love about you and all the ways they appreciate you and respect you. You could even ask a good friend to tell you! Make a list of all your best attributes and keep reminding yourself of these.
3. Let go of the need to be ‘cool’ - it’s tempting to bring your ‘cool representative’ to a date but honestly, all people ever want from us is to show up as ourselves. Brene Brown says “The need to ‘be cool’ is an emotional straightjacket. It keeps us from moving, growing, stretching and feeling free” and if we’re hiding behind our cool then how can we connect fully with someone? Allow yourself to be un-cool and own it.
4. Use your feelings as your compass - how do you want to feel on the date itself? Playful, inspired, at ease? Then work back from there when you plan the date itself so if it doesn’t go anywhere after the first date, then you’ve still had a great experience, which takes the pressure off your date and will help you to relax and have some fun. You could suggest one of your date ideas the next time someone asks you out. Or why not make the first move?
5. Set out your boundaries - think about how much time and energy you’re willing to commit to dating and set out some boundaries that are suited to your needs. So for one of my clients, she knows that her energy levels are best in the mornings so she’s experimenting with brunch dates. And for another client, her working week is pretty full on and she’s been struggling to fit in evening dates so now she’s limited dating to just one night a week to keep the weekends free for catching up with friends and getting some me-time.
6. See rejection as redirection - each time you get rejected, they are setting you free to find someone who would be right for you, so extend gratitude and see rejection as a weeding-out process to find someone better.

I think it's no coincidence that the guys that my clients don’t like seem to fancy them because when the stakes are lower, they have permission to be themselves. That is all anyone really wants from us. Authenticity is a choice, one that you can make right now. So dare to be you, show up as yourself and give your representative the day off!

Vicki x

If you’ve enjoyed this and feeling like you need some guidance to figure this dating stuff out then come and join us on our Get Ready for Love 30 day course

 

Is your inner shitty committee getting in the way of you finding love?

This week we've cooked up a podcast dedicated to those of you who are out there dating. Because we LOVE you ladies. We know it isn't always an easy journey (mine certainly wasn't at first!), but what often makes it hard is actually your own Shitty Committee - that internal negative voice that is always quick to criticise you, tell you what you're doing wrong, tell you when you're not good enough and generally fill your head with doubts and fears.

And if that Shitty Committee voice has a strong power over you, then it can cause all sorts of havoc when you're dating.

So what can you do about that negative voice in your head that can cause so much dating discomfort?

Well that is what this podcast is all about. It's a good one. You can download or listen to it over on Soundcloud or iTunes.

And if you’re not already doing our Get Ready for Love course then what are you waiting for? Come and join us today and we’ll really get to work on your Shitty Committee straight away :)

x Selina