PODCAST: Real Love Story with Natasha Lunn

🎧 You can also listen to this and all of our other podcasts on Apple Podcast (iTunes) and Spotify.

So excited for you to listen to this week’s real love story interview with the fabulous Natasha Lunn.  Tune in as Natasha talks to Vicki about dating apps and 12 hour first dates, speaking your truth, wholeheartedness and choosing to go ‘all in’ on love (starting with going ‘all in’ with dating). And much much more!

This podcast is packed full of wisdom as Natasha shares her love story with Dan and also the lessons learnt from interviewing people about finding love and making it last (check out ‘Conversations on Love’ - Natasha’s bimonthly email newsletter investigating love, one conversation at a time).

So grab a cup of tea, hit play and enjoy! You can also listen on iTunes and now - *drum roll please* - on Spotify!

Really hope you enjoy this episode.

Much love,

x Selina and Vicki

P.S If you’re feeling stuck in your love life and finding dating to be frustrating and exhausting then come and join 'Get Ready for Love’, our online course that has helped 500+ women to find love. 'Get Ready for Love’ contains the 30 essential lessons that we've found to be the most effective and powerful in getting you ready for love and on your way to a happy and healthy relationship. It’s like having a love coach in your pocket, with advice, tools and guidance that can be listened to during the daily commute or en route to a date! Find out more over here.

PODCAST: Real Love Story with Selina Barker

I first interviewed Selina for a real love story back in 2015. We reflected on her journey of feeling completely stuck in love and wondering if it was ever going to happen for her, to feeling an abundance of love, and not just with a loving partner (we actually revealed in the podcast that she was expecting!) but the love that she discovered from the inside out.

And now, 3 years later, Selina is back in the hot seat, but this time to tell a much deeper love story.

This is a journey of hitting rock bottom in life and rising strong, healing and finding your way back home with love as your compass. A journey that starts and ends with ourselves.

This is a story that has never been told before and I’m actually hearing it for the first time. There is such a beautiful sense of vulnerability and intimacy to it. It’s everything our podcasts are about - hearing women opening up and sharing from the heart. And that takes real courage. Thank you Selina, it was an honour to hold the space and to hear you tell your story, your REAL love story.

I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

V xxx

P.S. next week (21st March), we’re running a free Masterclass  ‘A modern approach to finding love’ so if you’re feeling stuck in your love life then come and join us! Head here to save your seat (we’ll send you the recording if you can’t join us live)

P.P.S  'Get Ready for Love’ (our online course to help you to transform your love life) is on its way back 🎉🎉🎉 and almost (ALMOST!) ready to be released back into the world with all new videos, brand new bonus audios from amazing guests and a whole new sparkly platform to access the whole course...watch out for exciting announcements later this week! We are SO excited for you to get your hands on it!!!

PODCAST: Real Love Story with Caroline Atkinson

So excited to share this podcast with you - a real love story with a friend of mine, Caroline Atkinson, whose love story with Gus spans almost 10 years.

We talk about relationship challenges, the incredible lessons learnt from spending 6 years apart, the importance of taking responsibility for your own happiness and the absolute joy of brunching on your own.

I remember attending a talk with Alain de Botton and he made reference to the fact that novels and films (in particular, fairy tales and rom coms) often don't give us a correct map of love and 'leave us unprepared to deal adequately with the difficulties of being in a couple'. And so we grow up with slightly unrealistic notions of love and what it means to be in a relationship. Hearing Caroline share her story really helped me to understand this more deeply and how we can update our 'map of love' to be more in-line with the realities of relating in today's world. 

I was so inspired by Caroline's journey of self discovery and self love and how she and Gus were able to start a new chapter in their relationship and the strength and vulnerability that requires, on both parts. I hope you enjoy this as much as I loved recording it.

V xxx

PODCAST: The trouble with online dating - why men and women alike struggle with it so much

We are so excited to share this with you - Selina interviews Vicki as she is fresh from hosting workshops on 'How to be Successful with Online Dating' for Match.com with both men and women. 

Listen in to hear about why men and women struggle so much when it comes to online dating and how you can get into the right headspace to enjoy it because what we've learnt is that while online dating can be hard at times, it can also be fun and a great learning journey when you approach it in the right way.

We hope you enjoy it as much as we did recording it!!

And we would love to hear from you - if this resonated with you or if you have any questions on online dating then do drop us a line at: hello<@>loveprojectlove.com and let us know your thoughts, comments and questions (of which we'll answer in future podcasts!)

Love, Vicki & Selina xxx

P.S. If you're feeling stuck in your love life then come and check out the 'Get Ready for Love' 3 month coaching programme with Vicki - she is taking on just two new clients this quarter - imagine if one of them were you. This is your chance to have Vicki as your personal love coach for 3 months, helping you to work through fears, limiting beliefs and negative relationship patterns that are holding you back in your love life. Limited spaces available - get in touch here and let Vicki know where you're stuck and she'll be in touch to arrange a discovery call with you.

PPS And if you'd love to start your 'Get Ready for Love' journey with us online then check out our online course over here which has had 500+ women learn how to approach dating in a loving way and how to get ready for a healthy and happy relationship. As well as having Selina and Vicki as your co-pilots on your 30 day journey, bringing you videos and audio tutorials bursting with energy and love, you would also have access to our private FB group full of like-minded women who support and celebrate each other to grow - it’s gorgeous. We look forward to welcoming you in there!

The power of mindset to change the course of your love life (by looking at online dating in a whole new way!)

When I help women who are really stuck in their love lives, the first place I begin is by looking at their mindset and how they feel about their love life and about dating. Because your mindset is THE biggest predictor of success in your life and plays a massive role in determining the health and happiness of your love life.

Research from Carol Dweck, who is the queen of this topic (after studying it for over 20 years) shows that there are two basic mindsets that shape our lives - a fixed mindset (“where success is based on innate ability”) and a growth mindset (“where success is based on hard work, learning and training”).

Dweck’s work shows how someone with a fixed mindset evaluates the world through the binary notions of ‘success/failure’, ‘winner/loser’ and being ‘accepted/rejected’, however someone with a growth mindset sees failure as a temporary setback because their priority is all about learning and growing. And they embrace challenges and learn from their mistakes, which makes them more resilient than someone with a fixed mindset.

“When you enter a mindset, you enter a new world. In one world—the world of fixed traits—success is about proving you’re smart or talented. Validating yourself. In the other—the world of changing qualities—it’s about stretching yourself to learn something new. Developing yourself.”

— Carol Dweck

So how does this relate to online dating?

Well someone with a fixed mindset would think that they’re not getting results from online dating because they’re just not cut out for it or that they’re unlucky in love. Or they might believe that finding love is down to fate and that ‘it will happen when it’s meant to happen’. Online dating feels hopeless and exhausting from this place, compounded by the fact that other people seem to find guys online no problem.

However, someone with a growth mindset would see online dating as a tool for self growth and an opportunity to get to know people you wouldn’t otherwise have met. Someone with a growth mindset would add the word ‘yet’ to challenges, so they might say “I haven’t met the right person… yet” (usually when well meaning family members ask them that age old question ‘why are you still single’?). They are hopeful about the future and they draw inspiration from the people who are really enjoying online dating and who have met their match online. Rather than feeling threatened by the success of others, they are encouraged by it, as it shows what’s possible for them. They are curious to learn from the success of others and how they work through challenges.

This is the difference between a woman who believes that it’s never going to happen for her when it comes to having a relationship and that all the good guys are gone (so wonders whether there’s any point in persisting with online dating) to the woman who believes that of course it will happen for her, she just hasn't met the right person YET. And it's not a matter of ‘IF’, it’s ‘when’ she's going to meet someone.

When I was coaching a client recently, she was telling me how she has a growth mindset about pretty much everything in her life, particularly in her career but when it comes to love and dating, she feels like she should just ‘know’ how to be really good at it and she puts so much pressure on herself to ‘find the one’. Every date that she goes on that doesn’t result in her finding this person feels like a waste of time and has her feeling like a failure in the love department. Carol Dweck speaks to this in her book ‘Mindset: How You Can Fulfil Your Potential’:

“In the fixed mindset, everything is about the outcome. If you fail—or if you’re not the best—it’s all been wasted. The growth mindset allows people to value what they’re doing regardless of the outcome. They’re tackling problems, charting new courses, working on important issues. Maybe they haven’t found the cure for cancer, but the search was deeply meaningful.”

— Carol Dweck

You might think that this sounds very much like those quotes on Pinterest that encourage you to ‘focus on the journey and not the destination’ but Dweck’s work is grounded in rigorous research into the mind and the power that we have to change the course of our lives:

“As you begin to understand the fixed and growth mindsets, you will see exactly how one thing leads to another—how a belief that your qualities are carved in stone leads to a host of thoughts and actions, and how a belief that your qualities can be cultivated leads to a host of different thoughts and actions, taking you down an entirely different road”

— Carol Dweck

So taking inspiration from Dweck’s work, here are 5 ways that you can use the power of mindset to change the course of your love life, by looking at online dating in a whole new way:

1. Set yourself healthy intentions

Most of the online dating advice out there focuses on how to find a partner but that is a huge ask and puts so much pressure on those early interactions, not to mention the pressure it puts on you and your date. See online dating as a tool to meet like-minded people for a coffee, rather than a way to meet your future husband, which will help to take the pressure off those early interactions. And it means that the date is less likely to feel like a job interview and will be way more fun for you!

2. Get inspired

If you’re feeling disillusioned about online dating then time for a shot of inspiration to get you feeling optimistic again. Ask your friends if they know any couples who've met their partner online and go and speak to them and see what you can learn from them. And find examples of women who are really enjoying online dating (they are out there!) - let their optimism inspire you and get you excited about what’s possible for you.

3. Choose to see rejection as redirection

Dealing with rejection is one of the hardest parts of the online dating process because it brings up all of our fears and insecurities about not feeling good enough. Some people find rejection a lot harder to handle than others and it’s our ability to handle rejection that is key in developing resilience when it comes to online dating. You’re not going to be everyone’s cup of tea. And that’s a good thing (trust me) because it’s impossible to be all things to all people… not to mention exhausting. Rejection isn’t failure, it’s just feedback - maybe it’s feedback about the kind of person that you now know isn’t right for you or maybe there is an opportunity to learn and grow from the experience. Choose to see every rejection as re-directing you to something better.

4. See dating as an adventure to try new things

Clients tell me that they worry about ‘wasting time’ if the date doesn’t go anywhere after the first or second date. So why not see dating as an adventure to try new things? Make a list of places that you’d love to visit or activities that you’d love to try and start ticking things off the list, then if it doesn't go anywhere beyond the first date, you’ve still had fun in the process.

5. Recruit a dating wing woman

You may encounter a whole spectrum of emotions on your dating journey so ask a friend (someone who is positive and optimistic about online dating) to be your dating wing woman to support you and keep your spirits up when you need a boost.

Online dating gets a bad rep but if you think about it, never before have we been more supported and empowered in our love lives. You get to choose how to make online dating work for you (and not the other way around). So if you haven’t been enjoying online dating recently then try approaching it in a different way and see how that helps you to enjoy it more.

The power to change the course of your love life is in your hands and yours alone. And that is an incredibly liberating place to be.

V x

PS Let’s talk more - I would love to hear from you! Drop me an email on <hello[@]loveprojectlove.com> if any of this resonated or if you have any questions or comments. And let me know how you get on with the tips - I really hope they make a difference to you.

PPS If you’re reading this and feeling like you could really do with some help and support in your love life then check out ‘Get Ready for Love’, our 30 day online course that has helped 500+ women learn how to approach dating in a loving way and how to get ready for a healthy and happy relationship. As well as having Selina and me as your co-pilots on your 30 day journey, bringing you videos and audio tutorials bursting with energy and love, you would also have access to our private FB group full of like-minded women who support and celebrate each other to grow - it’s gorgeous. We look forward to welcoming you in there!

PODCAST: Real Love Story with Luke Montgomery-Smith

If you're looking to have you spirits lifted this week then listen in to this beautiful love story of the gorgeous Luke Montgomery-Smith and his girlfriend Gina. Tune in to hear Luke talk about finding love when he wasn’t expecting it, how relationships can heal and the clarity that can be found when leaning into loneliness.

Luke had seen strong and loving relationships growing up but wasn't convinced this kind of relationship was available to him. It wasn't until he let his guard down and allowed himself to fall in love that things developed. I was so inspired by his openness and level of vulnerability and honesty.  

I hope you enjoy this as much as I loved recording it

V xxx

How to create your own daily self-love rituals...no matter how busy you are

I’m writing this to you at 6.18am under a cosy blanket with a hot cup of tea. I love being the first one up, the flat totally silent.
It is pure, guilt-free, nowhere-else-I-need-to-be me time. There's no other time of day where I feel this sense of calm, peace and stillness. I've been practicing this morning ritual for the last few months. It’s my new personal ‘project love’.

And it’s much needed...towards the end of last year I was feeling burnt out and exhausted, struggling to find time for me, my calendar bulging with work commitments. Basically too much pink (in my colour coded google calendar, pink is work) and not enough green (wellbeing and me time) and so I decided that this year was about being more green and scheduling myself into my calendar. I realised that the mornings were the one time of day that I could claim as my own. And so now mornings have become sacred to me, giving me space to reflect, be still, take stock and check-in with myself. They set the tone for the day and I have become so fond of this time with me, like catching up with an old friend.

I start with a journalling exercise ‘morning pages’, a tool from the book ‘The Artist's Way’. The idea is that you write a stream of consciousness when you wake up (3 pages specifically), to ‘get to the other side’ (as Julia Cameron would say, author of the book). I’ve been writing about anything and everything that’s been percolating when I wake up. Sometimes it’s profound, other times it’s more like a pity party for one (which Julia encourages as any whinging and complaining needs to be processed so you can move on and get on with your day!).

I've been approaching the project like a builder, adding more layers as the ones before get stronger. A morning gratitude practice has been added in, writing down things I’m thankful for, including ways I am grateful and proud of myself. Some days are more challenging than others and some mornings I feel like I have nothing to say but persistence is key. Recently I’ve also been using guided meditations on Headspace and I've been dabbling with morning exercise but still resisting that one to be honest (working on it!). On the days that I have a little more time I've been indulging in a morning bubble bath and audiobook (currently listening to Caroline Myss’s Energy Anatomy and it is blowing my mind). It feels sort of rebellious, like I’ve been let in on a well kept secret.

Through this process, I've discovered that what I need the most is just to be heard. I am the speaker and the listener. And I’m feeling the effects of it already. I am complaining less out loud, I feel calmer, clearer, more connected to myself and connected to what's important to me. I feel more control of my day and better able to deal with challenges when they arise. And I feel more engaged with life.

What it all comes down to is treating myself like a good friend, with love, kindness, respect and devotion. Spending quality time with me. This sacred time has become like oxygen to me. I need it. I crave it. The main thing I've learnt is how to trust myself. I have a sort of quiet confidence that no matter what happens during the day, I can handle it. Feeling like “I've got this”.

That is the power of having a daily self-love practice.

And it doesn’t matter how busy you are, even with just 2 minutes a day, you can create a self-love ritual for yourself. And you really will feel the difference.

So if you want to learn how to design your own self-love practice, no matter how busy you are, then come and join us at our next Online Project Love Salon event  ‘Self-love for busy women’ on 22nd May at 1pm UK time.

We'll be digging deep into the topic of practicing self love even when you have a jam packed schedule. You'll learn how to design your own self-love toolkit based around your lifestyle and we'll be sharing with you what our own personal self-love practices are and how we work them into our own busy lives.

And as a special summer treat, it’s totally free!

>>> To register for a free ticket to the event and receive the recording from us afterwards SIGN UP OVER HERE

Plus we’ll be announcing an exciting new Project Love membership programme that we've been experimenting with for the last 3 months (with great results for us and the women that have been doing it with us!) and now we're ready to open the doors to you too!

V x
 

PODCAST: Interview with Chloe Brotheridge, author of 'The Anxiety Solution'

We have a treat of a podcast for you, as we got to interview Chloe Brotheridge, author of 'The Anxiety Solution: A Quieter Mind, a Calmer You'. Chloe, a clinical hypnotherapist and anxiety expert, wrote 'The Anxiety Solution' to help women manage modern anxiety triggers like perfectionism, social media pressure, people pleasing, fear of failure and fear of success.

Listen in to hear us discuss why anxiety is affecting more women than men (research shows that women are twice as likely to experience anxiety than men), how anxiety can show up in our love lives and why it’s so exhausting to be everyone’s cup of tea. Plus a whole lot more. We absolutely loved talking to Chloe! 

Listen to the podcast below or download it over on iTunes or Soundcloud

Lots of love,

Selina & Vicki XX

Write yourself a love letter this Valentine's day

This year, in true Project Love style, we are hijacking Valentine's Day and making it all about self-love. Instead of making this day of love all about romantic love and focusing your attention on others that you love or lust after, we want you to turn all that love right around and in on yourself, starting with the way that you speak to yourself. 

Why? Because learning to speak to yourself like you would your best friend - with love and support - is one of the most powerful things you can do. It is a life changer and key to your happiness and success.

Just imagine what it would be like to spend a day with a voice in your head that was loving and supportive, that was always there for you, that had your back and would remind you that you were loved.

Wouldn’t that feel great?

Imagine all the things you would have the confidence to do. You would make yourself a top priority in life and fill that life with the things that made you happy. You would look after yourself well, follow your dreams and design a life for yourself that you truly loved. A life that would feel as good as it looked.

Now think about the voice that you tend to use on yourself day to day. Often we are our own harshest critics, with a voice in our head that is constantly pointing out what we have done wrong or how we should have done better.

A day of listening to that is exhausting, feels rubbish and has you playing small.

So this Valentine’s Day we are encouraging everyone to turn up the volume on their loving inner voice to hear what it has to say.

How? By writing a letter to you, from your wise older self.

It is a simple exercise that can be surprisingly powerful.

The idea is that you imagine your wise older 80 year old self is sending a message back to the woman you are today. She has the gift of hindsight and knows that everything works out well for you in the end and right now she wants to give you some encouragement, love and support at this point in your life.

You might at first think that you won’t be able to come up with anything, but people are usually surprised at how much this side of them believes in them and loves them.

We invite you to give it a go and share with us how you get on!

Here is what you do:

1. Treat yourself to some special letter writing paper (some lovely sets over at Paperchase)

2. Download 'The Project Love Guide to Writing Yourself a Letter from your Wise, Older Self'

3. Share your favourite line from the letter you wrote to yourself over on Twitter using #selfloveletter and @ProjectLove or why not take a photo of your letter and share it with us on Instagram using #selfloveletter and @loveprojectlove

We will be sharing your love letters during Valentine’s Week <3

Selina & Vicki x

PS for those in London, we will be at Paperchase (Tottenham Court Rd store) on Weds 8th Feb for an evening of self love and letter writing - tickets here - come and write your love letter with us!

* Our new online course is here! *

IT’S HERE! <insert excited noises, hand claps, wooping> 

Design a Life you Love in 2017

Our brand new 4-week online course
that will have you creating a vision and a plan for 2017
to make it your best year yet!

This course has been in the making for a long time and so we are beyond EXCITED to finally share it with you!

Whether you're looking to make a change in your life in 2017, wanting to make a dream or idea happen or if you simply want to make 2017 a year where you make it less about work and more about YOU, then join us!

Over the the 4 weeks, you will:

• Get clear on the key ingredients you need to be happy and fulfilled in life, work and relationships
• Create a vision and a picture of what you want your life to look like in 2017 and beyond
• Design a practical plan that will bring that vision to life
• Learn the best life design tools and techniques that will help you make sure that plan happens
• Clear the blocks that get in the way of you living life the way you really want to
• Get inspired and share your journey with a whole tribe of other life designers making their own dreams and ideas happen

Want in? 

ALL THE JUICY DETAILS ARE HERE

** Sign up THIS week and you’ll receive a BONUS audio visualisation that will get you feeling FULL of love and looking forward to what lies ahead for you in 2017 **

Selina & Vicki x

BLOG POST: Who do you bring with you on a date? Yourself or your representative?

Ever wondered why the guys that you like never seem to fancy you BUT the ones that you don’t like, always seem to fancy the pants off you? Well you’re not alone, it’s been coming up quite a lot amongst the women I work with. The conversation goes something like this:

Client - “When I like a guy, they don’t fancy me. And when they like me, I just don’t fancy them”.
Me - “OK, so tell me about the last date that you went on where you didn’t fancy the guy.”
Client - “It was like going out with a friend, I wasn't that bothered about what he thought, I ordered a pint and I was just being myself”
Me - “And what about if you DID fancy him?”
Client - “I would have been more girly with him, I would have ordered wine instead of a pint and I would have sipped it and been more delicate and ladylike. I’m usually a bit of a loudmouth who likes to crack jokes but if I fancied him, I would have reigned that in and been more mysterious”

With the guy she fancied, she felt the need to perform and impress him, as there’s more at stake. This could be the one she could marry one day, so she needed to be on best behaviour, right?

We laughed about the Chris Rock sketch where he talks about dating:

Relationships, easy to get into, hard to maintain. Why are they so hard to maintain? Because it’s hard to keep up the lie! ‘Cause you can’t get nobody being you… When you meet somebody for the first time, you’re not meeting them. You’re meeting their representative.”

So my question to you is..

Who do you bring with you on a date? Yourself? Or your representative?

If you’re like some of my clients then it’s usually the latter. Why? Because it’s scary to reveal your whole self, dating feels like a job interview where you’re being judged on how you look and everything you do or say. Bringing the representative feels like the safer option, the mask to hide behind so if it all goes tits up then you never really lost anything. But when you don’t show up as your whole self, what you sacrifice is human connection and when you have two representatives show up on a date then it kind of makes the whole thing a bit pointless. Here’s what to do about it:

1. Relax your expectations on what the date means - use online dating as a way to meet like-minded people and not a way to find a life partner. If you go into the date with huge expectations, it will put unnecessary pressure on yourself and your date and it will feel like a job interview where you need to perform and impress. Instead, see online dating as a tool to meet people for a coffee and a chat and go from there, taking the pressure off those early interactions.  
2. Adopt an attitude of gratitude - dating can trigger all sorts of fears and insecurities, especially the fear of not being good enough. Instead of focusing on all the things you lack, shift your mindset by focusing on all the things that make you great. Step into the shoes of a loved one and think about all the things they love about you and all the ways they appreciate you and respect you. You could even ask a good friend to tell you! Make a list of all your best attributes and keep reminding yourself of these.
3. Let go of the need to be ‘cool’ - it’s tempting to bring your ‘cool representative’ to a date but honestly, all people ever want from us is to show up as ourselves. Brene Brown says “The need to ‘be cool’ is an emotional straightjacket. It keeps us from moving, growing, stretching and feeling free” and if we’re hiding behind our cool then how can we connect fully with someone? Allow yourself to be un-cool and own it.
4. Use your feelings as your compass - how do you want to feel on the date itself? Playful, inspired, at ease? Then work back from there when you plan the date itself so if it doesn’t go anywhere after the first date, then you’ve still had a great experience, which takes the pressure off your date and will help you to relax and have some fun. You could suggest one of your date ideas the next time someone asks you out. Or why not make the first move?
5. Set out your boundaries - think about how much time and energy you’re willing to commit to dating and set out some boundaries that are suited to your needs. So for one of my clients, she knows that her energy levels are best in the mornings so she’s experimenting with brunch dates. And for another client, her working week is pretty full on and she’s been struggling to fit in evening dates so now she’s limited dating to just one night a week to keep the weekends free for catching up with friends and getting some me-time.
6. See rejection as redirection - each time you get rejected, they are setting you free to find someone who would be right for you, so extend gratitude and see rejection as a weeding-out process to find someone better.

I think it's no coincidence that the guys that my clients don’t like seem to fancy them because when the stakes are lower, they have permission to be themselves. That is all anyone really wants from us. Authenticity is a choice, one that you can make right now. So dare to be you, show up as yourself and give your representative the day off!

Vicki x

If you’ve enjoyed this and feeling like you need some guidance to figure this dating stuff out then come and join us on our Get Ready for Love 30 day course

 

Getting ready for marriage: one woman’s approach

As some of you know, I got married last month! It was mind blowing and life changing in ways I could never have imagined or anticipated. A huge celebration of love and friendship that I will treasure forever. But rather than indulge you with all the details of the wedding itself (this isn’t a wedding blog after all), I wanted to share the ways I prepared for it.

The preparation of marriage - emotionally, mentally, spiritually - is often overlooked, with the focus being firmly on ‘the big day’. Like with any big transition in life, fear plays a role and in preparing for the new, we say goodbye to the old.

Here are some of the ways that I consciously navigated the transition.

1. Making time to reflect

This was a great piece of advice from our friend Sam who married us in Spain. Through the process of preparing for our ceremony, I was given homework to start reflecting on the meaning of marriage and our decision to marry each other. I asked myself; what’s my intention for marriage? What makes a good one? What do I want to promise and commit to? How can I stay true to myself and not lose myself in this marriage?

Some pretty meaty questions that couldn’t be answered in one sitting. I got myself a new notebook (any excuse, I am stationary obsessed) and scheduled some dates with myself to start getting clearer on it all.

2. Feeding up on inspiration

To help answer some of my big questions, I read books on love, collected inspiring quotes and poems about marriage, I read blogs, listened to podcasts and drew inspiration from friends’ relationships that I admired. One of the biggest lessons? That marriage is about the union of two souls whilst also being faithful to the voice of your own soul.

This process of gathering inspiration helped me to get clear on what I wanted to commit to. I wrote about being fully present in my marriage, my promise to be Pav’s lifelong dancing partner and to make loving fun. And as well as committing my love to him, I made a commitment to my own self-love, as I know our marriage will flourish if I stay true to my needs and take responsibility for my own happiness.

I was inspired by a blog post by Melody Godfred, the co-founder of the Self Love Pinky Ring, where she talked about how self love saved her marriage. And I discovered a pretty cool ancient symbol of sacred geometry that consists of two circles overlapping in a way that creates a third circle in the middle (known as the Vesica Piscis):

“One plus one equals three. This can only be possible, though, if each remains true to themselves - if they maintain their own boundaries by being honest about the desires and needs that cannot be compromised”

— ‘How to Love Yourself (And Sometimes Other People)’ by Meggan Watterson & Lodro Rinzler

3. Preparing to be vulnerable

The idea of standing up in front of our family and friends, celebrating our love felt super indulgent, even if a wedding gives you full permission to do it. That’s what they want, that’s why they are there! But I was still blocked around this. I went to Jody Shield’s LifeTonic event with a friend and I worked on my resistance to open up, I listened to heart-opening meditations, I meditated with the Headspace app and I prepared to get spiritually naked. I find giving love a whole lot easier than receiving it and actually when I thought about it, the idea of feeling love from all our family and friends all.at.once felt overwhelming. For me, being vulnerable will always feel uncomfortable, I am feeling vulnerable right now as I write to you. I am so used to writing from my comfort zone, speaking as a love coach, but recently (since my hen party) I have started to open up about my personal life in the Project Love space. In feeling the fear and doing it anyway, I normalise that discomfort so it doesn't have so much power over me. Our wedding ceremony felt like one big cuddle and by opening up to receive all the love that was showered on us, I realised just how supported I am in this next chapter of my life.  

4. Journalling one out

Preparing for marriage brought up a whole spectrum of emotions for me, from the incredible sense of joy to the confusion about my new identity as a wife and a woman with a new name. Even trying on my wedding dress for the first time triggered some insecurities, which sounds silly now but felt very real at the time (as someone who lives in jeans and trainers, I just didn’t feel ‘polished’ enough for a gorgeous silk dress. Aren’t beautiful dresses for really girly girls?). I turned to my journal to make sense of my feelings and developed a 3-part process for working through my fears:

• Step 1: Raw and unfiltered mega riff - getting it all down on the page
• Step 2: Asking myself, ‘Ok so what do I want instead?’
• Step 3: Stepping into the shoes of a loved one and writing myself a loving note of kindness and support

When I read back to some of those notes, I recognise the voice of the loved one as the way I talk to clients or how I console a friend. I don’t always speak to myself in that way, often it’s a dance between my inner critic (AKA the Shitty Committee) and my inner cheerleader. In writing my thoughts out like this, I could manage my fears whilst having a huge amount of compassion for myself.

5. Feeling the feelings

In any period of change and expansion, even an immensely positive one like a wedding, it’s normal to feel a sense of loss. In the run up to the wedding, there were moments where I felt down for absolutely no reason. We tend to fuel our emotions with our thinking, so when I was feeling a bit sad, I’d then feel sad about feeling sad. This is rarely the stuff that’s covered in wedding mags or wedding blogs and it’s not really talked about, which brought up some guilt at not feeling ecstatically happy all the time. In honouring where I was at, and ignoring how I ‘should’ be feeling, I was able to just sit with it. Sometimes I would just say to myself ‘It is what it is’ or ‘I surrender’ when the shitty committee was giving me a hard time. It really helped to talk things through with friends and to talk it through with Pav, we had a really honest chat the week before the wedding, about the expectations on us and the worry of disappointing our guests - what if we’d had a really bad nights sleep the night before and we were quite low on energy? Or how about those days when you wake up in a weird mood and you just can’t shake it? Maybe those worries are totally unique to us but it was so great to talk about them. We both agreed that whatever we were feeling was totally normal and to just go with it. And that is exactly what we did, as a team.

There's a piece of advice that was read out by a friend during our wedding ceremony and it's something that I'll be carrying with me in this new chapter:

“People evolve and develop over time
Don’t see this change as scary. It’s beautiful.
Wholeheartedly embrace getting to know
The new you’s every single day.”

Like with any big transition in life, preparing for marriage is a soul journey, full of incredible highs and unexpected twists and turns. We close the door to a part of ourselves that we know so well to open the door to something new. I’m just getting my bearings here but my feeling so far is that it's pretty wonderful. 

V x

PODCAST: Dating is shit... or is it?

In this weeks podcast, I got to interview Gail Schock - happiness coach, meditation teacher and all round wonderful human. Gail had been out of the dating game for 8 years when she decided to do a Tinder experiment with her husband. The whole 'swipe if you like' vibe left her feeling empty and sad, which invited an interesting enquiry - 'was it possible to actually enjoy the dating process if we approached it from a different perspective - one that would give us more freedom and one where we could actually feel good about ourselves in the process?'

We talked dating struggles, relationship fears, speaking our truth, asking for what we need, connecting to our divine feminine and getting into our womb wisdom (oh yes). Plus so much more. This is a bloody juicy podcast and I can't wait for you to listen to it.

Gail also kindly recorded a special meditation just for us, designed to get you feeling in a great headspace around dating - use it before you fire up Tinder or before you leave the house for a date.

Love, Vicki x

PS this is a topic that we're really passionate about, which is why we've dedicated a third of our Get Ready for Love 30 day course to 'Approaching Dating in a Loving Way' - offering exclusive podcasts, videos (inc guided coaching vids), an online dating guide to writing a killer profile and special guest interviews. Approaching dating from this place transforms your whole experience of dating. Find out more here

The real significance of a hen party

In the same month that we celebrated 20 years of girl power from The Spice Girls, I was whisked away on my hen weekend with 13 friends. I'd never really thought about the significance of a hen party before, I guess it felt like a massive celebration with the wonderful women in your life.. (and an excuse to have a party). I was more than up for that when we set off on the party bus from Waterloo, high pitch screaming our way down the M4 with M&S cosmo cans in hand.   

Well, turns out it was that and so much more.

It was everything you’d expect from a hen - we shared embarrassing sex stories, we downed tequila shots, we cackled with laughter, we hugged, we cried, we danced. And yes there were willy straws and blow up men. But what made it different was an additional layer that my hens planned (knowing me so well and knowing how much I love a chat.. I’m often the one at a party having deep and meaningfuls in the loo) - the D&M (deep and meaningful) session. It started as a bit of fun, sitting in a circle wearing catsuits and kaftans, passing a jar of questions around and answering them one by one (holding a dildo, which you could pass on if you didn’t want to answer). We were all giggling at first, some of us feeling a bit awkward with sitting in a circle together. And it was a little scary at first, feeling that exposed and vulnerable, but I can honestly say that it was one of the most powerful and liberating things I have ever done. And I wasn’t the only one that felt that way, it was a rare opportunity to share deeply and really be heard, while being surrounded by a bunch of strong and empowered women who all have your back. Without meaning to, we had turned it into a real sisterhood bonding session, and it turns out that that was exactly what we’d all been craving, we just hadn’t realised it. I discovered things about my friends that I didn’t know before and I felt such a deep connection with them in that moment. It was so inspiring to listen to the other women share their life stories, talk about challenges they’re working through and share their dreams and ambitions in life.

There was a particular question that I was so scared to answer - ‘your life story in 3 minutes’. I have this real fear of being put on the spot so when it happens, my mind tends to go blank like I have no long term memory?!? I know it was the fear that had blocked me but it meant that I couldn't reveal myself in the way that I wanted to. Since then, memories had been popping up from my life, things that I thought were buried away. So last week I had a go at writing my story and it was so cathartic, I wasn't really sure if I wanted to do anything with it but in the spirit of heart opening sharing, I emailed it to the group (cue vulnerability hangover). And yes it was bloody scary putting my story into words but I felt so supported to do it and it has opened something up for me - a part of myself that was in the shadows now has permission to come out into the light. This just wouldn't have happened without that session, and I realised just how much I need a regular space for this in my life . Something really shifted for me and this is just the beginning of more heart opening sharing and a deeper connection with myself. And I know I’m not the only one who’s felt like this. That is the power of sisterhood.

I came home from that weekend feeling an overwhelming sense of love, admiration and gratitude to have such inspiring, strong, empowered women in my life, who inspire me to be the same. I was shown the importance of sisterhood and girl power, the stuff that I learnt from the Spice Girls all those years ago at the age of 11.

And I realised the real significance of a hen party.

It is to show you how supported and loved you are, both as an individual and as a couple, to prepare you for the next chapter in your life. Because having such loving friendships gives you a strong foundation for a happy and healthy relationship and marriage. And it means you don’t depend on the relationship to fulfill all your needs. These friendships make me stronger and elevate me up to be the best I can be.

Now I feel ready to enter that next chapter of my life.

“The people we surround ourselves with either raise or lower our standards. They either help us become the-best-version-of-ourselves or encourage us to become lesser versions of ourselves. We become like our friends. No man becomes great on his own. No woman becomes great on her own. The people around them help to make them great. We all need people in our lives who raise our standards, remind us of our essential purpose, and challenge us to become the-best-version-of-ourselves”

— Matthew Kelly The Rhythm of Life

And of course you don’t need a hen party for some good old sisterhood bonding, grab the women in your life that you love and organise a sisterhood circle <check out Selina’s brilliant post> and love and support each other to grow and live a life you love. In sisterhood we stand.

Vicki x

An open letter of gratitude to brave women who show up every day

Last week was a big one over at Project Love, as 3 of our coaching clients completed their 3 month ‘Get Ready for Love’ journey and we celebrated 1 year of love stories from our ‘Get Ready for Love’ online course.

We’ve been so moved by some of the stories that we've heard since we started Get Ready for Love and we feel a huge sense of gratitude for the brave women that we have worked with over the years and for the brave women that we haven’t yet worked with.

This week’s post is dedicated to them, and to you, an open letter of gratitude to brave women, showing up every day, even when it's hard.

Thank you for having the strength to rise up through challenges and difficulties in life and committing to what’s important, even when it feels really uncomfortable.

Thank you for your openness and willingness to be intimate with your own deep feelings, to create the space for intimacy with another.

Thank you for holding a space for other women to be brave and share their stories of struggle and transformation.

Thank you for having the courage to walk away from people that aren’t able to commit in the same way that you are, so that you can move on to find someone who can.

Thank you for not giving up and working through your deepest, darkest fears and letting the light in.

Thank you for dropping your expectations of who you think you should be so you can be who you are.

Thank you for respecting your needs and being brave enough to express them and loving and honouring yourself in a way that invites others to do the same.

Thank you for opening up to love, opening your heart and embracing your vulnerability, even when it feels like the scariest thing in the world.

Thank you for feeling everything, even the shit stuff, and even when that voice is saying ‘fuck this.. It’s too hard’.. knowing that feeling is healing.

Thank you for dropping your assumptions as to who you could be attracted to and being open-minded and open-hearted when dating.

Thank you for choosing the path of self love when you’re broken, even when the path of self destruction feels like the safest option.

Thank you for dating yourself, getting to know yourself and treating yourself like a true friend.

Thank you for having patience, taking the time to figure out what you want and the things that inspire you and make your cells dance.

Thank you for your tears, your laughter, your strength, your smile.

Thank you for accepting yourself, as you are, right here and right now.

We're all on this journey together, we’re all going through the same ups and downs and your bravery inspires us and it inspires a whole tribe of other women to keep showing up.

In awe of you,

Vicki and Selina x

P.S. If you’d like to join us and start your own Get Ready for Love journey today then simply head over here and we’ll send you your welcome pack straight away.

How To Stay Grounded when Living A Fast Paced Life

"I'm ok, I'm just busy" - how many times have you said that this week? If you're like most of us then it's A LOT. It seems that we're living in a constant state of overwhelm and somehow it's become normal, spinning lots of plates in the air, all at the same time.

How do we manage the many deadlines and demands on our time? And how can we stay grounded and balanced living this fast paced life?

This is the hot topic that we explored in our latest podcast, which was inspired by our friends Persia and Joey from Addictive Daughter who have just released their new book 'The Inner Fix: Be Stronger, Happier and Braver'.

Listen in as we share all the things from our 'Inner Fix' toolkit and how we put our happiness and wellbeing as a top priority in life. 

Love, Vicki and Selina x

PS We'd love to hear from you - what do you do to stay grounded and maintain a healthy headspace? Leave us a comment below :)

The one thing we always recommend to clients… and here’s why

In the ancient practice of Zen, there’s a lesson called ‘taking off your shoes’. It’s the first instruction that students receive when they start their training. By walking around barefoot along a wooden floor, they become exposed in a way that feels unfamiliar, a bit scary and probably a bit awkward. Anyone caught sauntering around the zendo will be told to stop by the zen master, who will instruct them to “pay attention to the bottom of your feet as you walk”. It is the start of a process of opening up, letting go of our usual defences (‘why the hell do I need to take off my shoes?’) and to detach from external signs of value (shoes). In becoming exposed in this way, the student learns how to become present in every step they take to discover their true value.

The practice of Zen is actually the practice of falling in love. And taking off our shoes is a metaphor for opening up and becoming available to love. It’s about releasing control, cultivating patience, being mindful of our actions (and how they impact others) and paying attention to the world we live in. And it’s more important than ever as research suggests that we’re lost in thought nearly 50% of our lives, probably getting swept away by our internal shitty committee (that judgy, critical inner voice… you know the one), which makes it very hard to be present in life. But there is something we can do about it, and it doesn’t involve a zen master and burning incense.

Becoming available to love is simply another way of being present and we can learn this through the practice of mindfulness. This is a key part of getting ready for love because if you want a healthy and happy relationship then it has to start with you. A happy relationship is found in the happiness of your own mind and life {TWEET}. Does this mean that we’re happy 100% of the time. Hell no. Mindfulness isn’t about stopping negative thoughts and feelings and chasing after the good ones, it’s about our relationships with those thoughts and feelings so that when we get knocked off course (which we all invariably do), we can pick ourselves up, bounce back quickly and get back on track. We can become the observer when things go tits up in life and this is the difference between watching a shit storm unfold and being in the eye of a shit storm.

As with most things we want more of in life (love, happiness, joy), it’s not a case of ‘finding’ those things, like a destination to get to, it’s about creating the right conditions for them to naturally arise. Through the practice of mindfulness, we can create the right inner conditions to support us through lifes ups and downs. 

There are many ways that you can practice mindfulness but there is one that we can’t recommend enough - the meditation app, Headspace. We are such big fans of these guys. Andy (a former Buddhist monk… who is a little bit dreamy) provides 10 minute guided meditations to help you sleep better, stress less and even smile more. It’s all through an app so you can meditate on the go and because it’s only 10 minutes, even us busy bodies can fit it in.

We’ve been recommending this app as the perfect accompaniment to our Get Ready for Love coaching package and online course since the beginning, which is why we are so excited to announce that the next 10 people that sign up for Get Ready for Love will receive 3 months free headspace subscription (worth about 25 quid). Woop!

Here is a beautiful visualisation on love from Andy to get you in the mood (plus a podcast on relationships)

“Becoming present is about stepping into the here and now and stepping into the stillness. It’s about becoming the observer. Accepting life exactly as it is right now. Accepting yourself exactly as you are and accepting all the feelings you’re experiencing right now. Without any judgement and without any expectations. Not trying to change or fix anything but simply being.”

— Project Love, Get Ready for Love

With love, Vicki x

PS we will email all lucky recipients with a unique code so you can start getting some headspace straight away!

You don’t complete me. I complete me.

We have a guest blogger for you this week in the form of the wonderful and inspiring Laina! This post was first written to us as an email and Laina didn't want it to be public at first but in practicing opening up and being vulnerable, she knew she had a powerful message to share with you. From one single woman to another...

After 12 months of investing time, money and energy into dating, I was still single and feeling rejected, unattractive and pessimistic about love.  I didn’t want to be feeling like this, and I knew it was time to get ready for love.

Having just turned 30, I was listening to all the ‘noise’ around me which was leading to a path of self-destruction. ‘Noise’ is what I refer to as those comments and questions that make you feel like you’re missing out on something ‘Why are you still single? You’re being too picky; if you want kids aren’t you worried about your age, it must be so difficult being single at your age’  It’s not helpful, it’s noise, and I needed to turn down the volume.

With my very settled friends living vicariously through my dating life, I would often make my dating disasters and my ‘single misfortune' the centre of conversations and the butt of all jokes.  At least I could laugh it off, I thought.  Secretly however, I knew I was in a dangerous mindset; I was starting to question myself, question what was wrong with me, and I'd get insanely jealous and resentful of all my friends who were in relationships.  It was like they had a layer of happiness that I just would never experience for as long as I was single.  I had got it into my head that a relationship would complete me.  We’ve all seen the Jerry Maguire film - 'You complete me. You. Complete. Me'.  Well, to the Jerry's out there, Project Love has taught me:  You don’t complete me, I complete me. 

I finished Project Love's 'Get Ready for Love' 30 day course with a fresh perspective of love and more importantly of myself.  The problem, I realised, was that for too many years i’d been listening to the ‘noise’; whether it was hollywood, society, friends or family.  I thought that being in a relationship was the ultimate measure of being a complete adult.  That being single would mean me constantly yearning for a man and always thinking that I was missing out on something.  With this mindset, I wasn’t ready for love, because I would always be choosing love because it’s better off than being alone.  That’s not love, that’s desperation and it’s settling.

Since completing the course, I’ve realised one thing:  I am already complete.  I love my life and I accept my flaws.  When I stopped and actually thought about my life decisions and the abundance of love I have from friends and family, I realised that I survive, enjoy and LOVE my life everyday without someone else needing to validate or complete it for me. 

By no means am I suggesting that the course has made me anti-relationships, I still can’t wait to meet a man who wants to experience life with me, but I know that I want to meet someone who feels the way I do about relationships.  I don’t want to play that role of trying to complete them. 

For those of you who are considering or are already part of 'Get Ready for Love', remember, YOU complete YOU.  Go out, remember to self-nourish, practice gratitude, go on a date with yourself and most importantly, love who you are. 

When you truly learn to love who you are, you will be complete.  

Laina X

If you haven’t been enjoying online dating recently, THIS could be why

I was coaching a client recently on online dating and how she was struggling to find the energy for it. She wanted the end result but in no way did she want the journey. It was all becoming a bit of a chore and every time she fired up Tinder, she felt fed up and frustrated. Each time she had a bad experience, whether it was a guy who was just after sex or being sent generic copy + paste messages, it would only confirm her belief that all men are disrespectful and it made her want to give up on online dating completely.

So here is the advice I gave to her and I wanted to share it with you too.

Know when to take a break from online dating

Because when you’re feeling disappointed, fed up, frustrated or resentful about anything in life, we’re likely to attract that back. Dating is an energy exchange between two people and so we must be mindful of the energy that we’re putting into it. By taking a break, we can prepare energetically so that we’re able to come back to it with good vibes and a positive spirit.

But what about the guys who are just after hook ups and all the other perils of online dating I hear you say? Well we can’t control how others act, but we can choose how it affects us and we’re better able to build up resilience so that we can deal with situations like this if we’re in the right headspace.

Disconnecting from online dating gives us the opportunity to reconnect with ourselves so if you’re feeling like it’s time for a break then why not indulge in a week of self-love (check out 50 ways to practice self love for some ideas!) or choose to spend time doing things you love with the people in your life who make you feel great. Maybe you’ll need a week off or maybe you’ll need a whole month off. Do whatever it takes to get you feeling fully refreshed, inspired and ready to date again.

Then when you are ready to date again, here are 3 ways to start approaching online dating in the most loving way possible to have less of those ‘urgh’ moments and a lot more fun!

1. Good intentions: Make sure that your intentions around online dating are healthy and realistic ‘To meet like-minded people I can go for coffee with’ is a much healthier intention than 'find me a husband” which puts unnecessary pressure and unrealistic expectations on your date and the whole dating experience
2. Mindful swiping: Rather than fitting in a Tinder session in those ‘dead time’ zones in your day (e.g. waiting for the bus), dedicate some quality time to it. Ask yourself how much time you’re willing to dedicate and commit to it like a new hobby. E.g. 20 minutes x 3 days a week using 1 dating app. Putting a time limit on it will make you more mindful of the whole experience
3. Be the energy you want to attract: If you want to attract in someone who is open, honest, loving, kind, available and respectful then it starts with you. Ask how you can bring that energy into your online dating experience so that you’re giving out what you want to attract. Woo yourself while you’re using dating apps! Turn off the TV and listen to music that you love, light a scented candle, wear red lipstick, <insert other woo’ing activity>. In doing this, you're raising your overall love energy and when you do this, you bring more love into the world. Because like attracts like, you'll get back what you put in

Love, V x

If you have a friend who really needs to hear this then forward this email or share the love on Facebook and Twitter

If you enjoyed this then check out our podcast ‘The Loving Way of Dating’ and if you enjoyed THAT then check out our 30 day Get Ready for Love online course, which has a whole section on approaching dating in a loving way!
 

5 ways to stop your perfectionism from ruining your love life (Part 2)

So last week we looked at the ways your perfectionism could be getting in the way of finding love and making it last. Read Part 1 here. 

Following on from that, here is Part 2 which shows you the 5 things you can do about it:

1. Bookend your day with “coming home” exercises

Most of us lead very high pressured, stressful lives and we get into the habit of losing ourselves to other peoples demands and expectations and feeling the pressure to be “perfect” in everything we do. When we do that, we disconnect from our core authentic self. But no matter how far we’ve strayed from our core self, we can always return home. And this is what this exercise is all about - small "me time" activities that will allow you to return home, back to your authentic self. If you favour “getting shit done” over “me-time” then this one is for you...

• List out the small bitesize “me-time” activities that you can do every day that will allow you to return home, connecting with your true self e.g. yoga stretches, meditation, journaling, gratitude, walking, running, looking at a photo that brings you joy, setting intentions for the day, simply being aware of your breath for 60 seconds  

• Choose 1 thing from your list to start the day with and 1 thing to finish it with so you can start and end the day in the right way. E.g. my “coming home” bookend exercises are 10 minutes of meditation in the mornings (using the Headspace app) and a good old gratitude sesh in the evenings (writing down at least 5 things I’m grateful for using the Gratitude app). It means that I start the day on my terms, feeling calm and connected. Then no matter what happens during the day, I go to sleep feeling grateful (this is especially powerful if you can also be grateful for the negative as well as the positive things that come up during the day).

2. Detach yourself from outcomes in dating

The next time you get asked out on a date, go with an open heart and mind and leave the measuring stick at home! Instead of judging them on what they look like and how they come across, ask yourself how you feel when you’re with them? Use your feelings as your internal GPS system. By attaching yourself to how you feel rather than the end result, you can relax about the outcome, freeing you up to enjoy the experience instead. And it’s from this place then everything becomes so much easier and more enjoyable.

3. Talk to yourself like a best friend

Go easy on yourself, especially on those days where you’re feeling like it’s NEVER going to happen for you. Talk to yourself like you would talk to a best friend. If this is alien to you then imagine that your friend is going through it and she’s asking for some advice - what advice would you give her and how would you console her and make her feel better?

4. See envy as a form of inspiration

If you usually sigh when you see a couple holding hands or find it hard to be happy for the friend who’s just got engaged (as you’re secretly a little envious), then shift that energy into inspiration instead. They are showing you what it is you really want!

5. Practice being vulnerable

You can do this in really small ways like accepting compliments when they’re given to you, asking for help and support when you need it or smiling at strangers when you’re out and about e.g. on your way into work.

These are very small but very powerful techniques - try some of them on for size and let me know how you get on by leaving a comment below, or get in touch on FB or Twitter. 

Love V x