Why are you still single?
Really why?
I bet people say to you that they are amazed you’re still single. That they can’t believe men aren’t banging down your door to get a date with you.
So why aren’t they? Why are you still single?
Stop and have a think about it
Are you too intimidating to men?
Have you left it too late so that all the good guys have now been taken?
Do you only seem to attract assholes?
Are you not what men view as ‘relationship material’?
Are you just not the kind of woman guys fancy?
Are men too spoilt for choice and don’t seem to want to commit?
(insert your reasons here)
My main one – one which I didn’t much like to admit to, but deep down knew was true – was that I just wasn’t the kind of woman that guys fancied.
How did I know this? Because there was a LOT of evidence to back it up.
I never got asked out on dates, never got chatted up, I never caught guys checking me out and I had been rejected by enough guys to convince me of this fact.
And I wasn’t alone in feeling like this.
Ask most women why they’re still single, what they think the real reason is and the answers they give will either see it being a problem with them (not being enough or being too much) or a problem out there in the world (either with men or modern life), that’s making meeting-the-right-guy almost impossible for someone like them.
And that is why, when we first start working with women to sort out their love lives, we head straight for this list of reasons and start our work there.
Because here’s the thing: as real as these reasons might really feel to you when you’re in this situation and as much as you might think you have plenty of evidence to back them up, THEY ARE NOT THE REASON YOU ARE SINGLE.
None of them. They about as real as suggesting you are single because you like apples or because your favourite colour is blue.
It’s nonsense.
The real reason you are single isn’t actually any of the reasons you’ve listed.
The real reason you are single is because you believe those reasons to be true.
And the chances are, you’ve conveniently chosen reasons that leave you believing that you’re almost entirely powerless to be able to do anything about your love life.
It’s full-blown self-sabotage.
You’ve wrapped yourself up so firmly in a web of limiting and negative beliefs about yourself, about what’s out there and about men as a whole that you wouldn’t see love if it was banging on your door trying to take you out on a date.
Because you’re already committed.
Committed to being right about not being enough, about not being loveable and about circumstances being pitted against you.
And it is THAT that is screwing up your love life.
Those limiting and negative beliefs that you are stubbornly believing in are having a huge and negative impact on your actions, your choices and your behavior around your love life. They are determining the kind of person you’re attracted to and the kind of person who is going to be attracted to you.
And not in a good way.
Think about it. If for example you think guys don’t fancy you or are intimidated by you, how are you going to be acting, what body language are you going to be giving off, what signals are you going to be putting out there?
And so what do you think you’re going to get back?
It’s something we seem to forget: that our beliefs create our reality
If you want to change anything in your life then you have to take a look at your mindset and the beliefs you have running the show.
And your love life is no different. First you have to take a look at the beliefs you’re living by: the reasons why you believe you are still single and haven’t found love yet.
And then challenge every single one of those beliefs. Flip them on their head. You’ve been brilliant at finding evidence to back those beliefs up. Now be brilliant at finding evidence to the contrary.
I’ll give you an example: let’s say you think you’re still single because ‘men are intimidated by strong, confident women’.
Now think of all the friends you have that are in happy relationships with guys you like. Are all these women weak and unconfident? You can’t think of a single person you know or who you have ever met who is strong and confident like you and in a happy relationship?…
Exactly.
See how full of holes your argument is?
And yet you’ve been living by that belief. And it is THAT that has been getting in the way of you finding your way into a happy and healthy relationship and not your strong character or whatever else you thought was the problem.
So now you’ve busted through your first limiting belief you can move onto the next one and do the same with that, until you’ve been through every reason on your list and busted through the lot of them.
As you do this you create the space to now fill with new beliefs that actually support you in finding the loving partner you’re looking for.
You do that by finding lots of inspiration and evidence that proves that finding love absolutely IS possible for someone like you. Focus your attention on all the women like you who ARE in great relationships. Listen to real love stories of how people like you have met their loved ones in all manner of different ways and focus your attention on all the good quality men out there (regardless of whether you fancy them or not) who are also single, reminding you that there are still plenty of good guys out there (who could be just around the corner!)
Because as soon as you start to believe in it, as soon as you start to realize how possible it really is, then your actions, your choices and the whole vibe you are giving off will shift from hopeless, frustrated and powerless (which will be attracting the wrong kinds of guys) to positive, relaxed and ready.
Once you do that, you probably won’t be single for much longer…
X Selina
