Is your perfectionism ruining your love life? (Part 1)

As a love coach, I do a lot of work with clients one-on-one to help them turn their love life around. While the reason for coming to see me is to help them find love, I spend a lot of time removing the blocks that are getting in the way, so they can clear the space for love to grow. One of the biggest blockers is something that we all seem to be struggling with. The pressure to be perfect.

The Sanctuary (yes the one with the naked swing) have revealed some pretty alarming stats about the modern woman. As part of their #LetGo campaign, they polled a panel of women and found that a shocking 7 out of 10 of us feel under pressure to be the “perfect woman”. And 80 per cent of the women they polled said that they put too much pressure on themselves to be perfect even though they accomplish an average of 26 tasks a day. And perhaps the saddest result of them all is that 80% of them don’t feel good enough.

And this is something that I see with clients on a regular basis. I predominantly work with single women in their 30’s who are successful in their lives and careers but are stuck in their love lives and don’t know what to do about it. Some of them are self confessed perfectionists and for others it’s more in the background. What lies at the heart of this pattern of perfectionism is the damaging belief that you’re not worthy and deserving of love, just as you are. And it’s self-perpetuating, as the more you believe that you’re not worthy of love, just as you are, then the more you perfect. And the more you perfect, the more you reinforce that belief to be true. It’s like a snowball, the more you reinforce it, the stronger it gets.

What does perfectionism feel like and look like?

Well on the inside it’s thinking that you’re not good enough, not thin enough, not pretty enough and not smart enough. It’s the disappointment you feel by not having achieved what you want to in love. It’s being highly critical of yourself and going into self sabotage mode when something bad happens. It’s seeing a couple holding hands in the street and thinking “I’m alone”. It’s blaming yourself when the guy you’re seeing says he’s not feeling it anymore and asking yourself “if I was better, would he still be with me?”. It’s the fear to reveal your true self on a date just in case he thinks you’re “a bit much” or not fun enough / not interesting enough / not cool enough. It’s that sense of urgency, that ticking clock and the feeling like you should be married by now and the fact that you’re not means there’s something wrong with you.

And on the outside, it’s going into “fix it” mode to deal with the hard stuff like vulnerability, or the emotional rollercoaster of online dating, working out strategies to conquer it once and for all. It’s not saying how you really feel so you can play it cool. It’s getting your measuring stick out after a first date and seeing how much they stack up against the guy on your perfect man checklist. It’s not expressing your needs so you don’t offend anyone. It’s saying yes when you feel like you can’t say no. It’s people pleasing. It’s not rocking the boat. It’s not giving too much away on a first date. It’s not opening up and letting your guard down for fear of being judged. It’s toning yourself down and playing small in order to be liked. It’s writing a guy off too soon if he doesn’t show you he can be your life partner after date 2. It’s being highly critical of others and judging them on how they look and what job they do and then gossiping about those things to friends. It’s performing to gain approval from others to win their affection like it’s a prize to be won. It’s favouring “getting shit done” over me-time. It’s being defensive when your parents collar you and ask why you haven’t found someone to “settle down” with yet. It’s priding yourself on never needing to ask for help. It’s brushing off compliments. It’s comparing yourself to friends who are married with babies and feeling like they’re winning the game of life and you’re losing it.

What this means is that we’re sacrificing who we are in order to be liked. We’re chameleoning our way through dates. And in the words of Brene Brown (The Gifts of Imperfection), “we’re hustling for our worthiness”.

All of this perfecting, pleasing, performing and proving is exhausting. And it’s blocking us from finding true love and meaningful connection with ourselves and with others. It’s making us unavailable to love, because we’re not being real. If we’re not “all in” in life and love - and I mean ALL IN (embracing the good, the bad and the ugly) - then how can we truly connect with someone else?

Yes it’s uncomfortable to be ALL IN but it’s so worth it. Like with any change in life, it’s a process that we can all work through, at our own pace and in whatever capacity we have right now. We’re imperfect, enough and an evolving work in progress.

“Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That’s how the light gets in.”

— Leonard Cohen​

Next week, I will share the 5 ways to stop perfectionism from ruining your love life, which forms part 2 of this post.

Love, V x

Get out of your Head and into your Body

Sometimes what we need the most is to get out of our head and into our bodies. Especially when the shitty committee is in town (that bitchy voice that points out our failures and flaws).

This is a key part of Getting Ready for Love because our bodies have such power. They allow us to access and release emotions that are getting in the way of love from flowing and they open us up to different sides of us (sides that have been perhaps dormant for too long).

And this is what our latest podcast is all about. Check it out and have a think of the ways that you can show your body some love. Let us know over on FB or Twitter which body love activities you're going to do!

And if you're stuck for ideas (and live in London) then we can't recommend Frame enough to get into the body-love-zone - we love Frame Rave and 80's Aerobics

Vicki and Selina x

When it comes to dating, give up the game!

One of the most damaging myths about dating, that we still find being bandied around, is the idea that it’s a game. It still amazes us how often we hear of people being told by their friends that it's a game and they have to learn how to play it!

That it’s all about learning how to look, how to act and how to manipulate in the right way if you want to find a man.

And there are plenty of books and courses out there that will show you exactly how to play the game and win it – ‘Own that guy in 60 days’, ‘How to catch a man and keep him’. Of course they all play by totally different sets of rules, just to complicate things further.

Here are just some of the common nuggets of advice we find people getting tangled up in:

• Don’t contact the guy first, always wait for them to make the first move
• Wait 24 hours to respond to messages
• Don’t answer emails on weekends or holidays
• “Disappear” in between dates
• Play it cool
• Play hard to get
• Go dutch on the first date
• Don’t go dutch on the first date – let him pay
• Don’t appear too available
• Be mysterious – don’t give too much away

Ultimately this approach to dating is all about avoiding being vulnerable and avoiding ‘messing things up’ to give yourself the feeling that you’re in control.

Imagine being on a date with someone playing that game!

Approaching dating like a game will only end in tears and immediately goes against everything we say about approaching dating in a loving way (we show you exactly how to do this in our Get Ready for Love course).

When you treat it like a game you are essentially trying to control and manipulate the situation and even the other person. You are having to calculate and watch your every move so that you come across a certain way. There is nothing real, nothing authentic, nothing loving about this way of doing things.

The moment you find yourself following rules when it comes to dating then you are essentially rejecting yourself and playing at being something that you’re not.

It’s a pretty crappy game.

So if you’re finding yourself playing any kind of ‘game’ when it comes to dating, then give it up.

Give up the game.

Instead stick to these three basic principles:

• Be real
• Be honest
• Be loving

Dating and life will become so much easier when you do!

x Selina & Vicki

Our online course Get Ready for Love is NOW ON SALE!

The big day has arrived!

We are so excited and proud to announce that our online course
Get Ready for Love is NOW ON SALE!

Check it out over here!

We've rustled up a sparkly sales page over here telling you all about it, but in a nutshell this is the course where we share everything that we have learnt over the past 2 years about how to really sort out your love life once and for all.

This course takes you on the same journey that Selina went on to transform her own love life and the one we've been taking women on ever since to show them a whole new way to approach love and relationships. One that really does work.

Now it's your go to take the journey too and see what it  does for your love life!

So head over here to find out more about this course and what it will do for you and sign yourself up to start your Get Ready for Love journey today - we can't wait to see what it does for you and your love life.

x Selina & Vicki

Is it our own pride that is messing up our love lives?

Selina takes a look this week at why she used to be so resistant to getting help with her love life and finds an uncomfortable truth lying at the heart of her answer. One that could help you if you're feeling stuck in your own love life...

When I think back to when I was single and well and truly stuck when it came to my love life,  it baffles me that I took SO long to seek out help.

Six years had passed by, with me enduring a disastrous love life, before I got help to sort it out.

Which is just weird when I think about it because I got help in all sorts of other areas of my life and none were as messed up as my love life!

Now you could argue that I didn't think our love lives were something any of us had any control over. And you'd be right - that is what I thought. But why did I think like that?

Why was I so reluctant to get help when it came to love? So insistent that I didn't need help, that nothing could help?

And I wasn't alone. Most of the bright, smart, successful women I knew who were stuck when it came to their love lives would spend plenty of time talking about their frustrations and would impart usually dreadful advice to one another about what to do about it, but wouldn't dream of going to a workshop, for example, to actually help them sort it out.

So why not? What is that all about?

Are we ashamed that we're stuck when it comes to love? Embarrassed that we haven't managed to get it sorted? Do we think it's some kind of sign of failure that as women we haven't managed to find success in love?

I've been pondering this all week and each line of enquiry comes back to the same thing.

The answer still makes me squirm because it was definitely what was going on for me and it's not a comfortable one to own up to:

It was all down to pride.

It was pride that told me to play it cool and not  admit that I longed to be in a relationship (that would just be embarrassing). It was pride that insisted that my frustrated love life was nothing to do with me, it was just down to bad luck. It was pride that had me avoid going on dates because it just seemed so cringey. And it was pride that had me believe that I should be able to figure this out alone and that needing help with my love life was a sign of failure.

I thought I was romantically putting my love life in the hands of fate and all along I was putting it in the hands of my pride.

And it was that that had me stuck in my love life more than anything else.

So if you're stuck in your love life then make sure that you haven't accidentally handed it over to your pride, because it could be that that is messing it all up.

How to tell if your pride is getting in the way of you finding love

• You don't think you need help sorting out your love life
• You would feel insulted if someone offered you a book that would help you sort out your love life
• You think online dating is for when you really have hit rock bottom and can sink no lower
• You don't see anything wrong with what you're doing when it comes to finding love, the problem is men/where you live/the society you live in
• You would rather stick needles in your eyes than attend a workshop that would help you sort out your love life

If any of that sounds like something you're guilty of then you have pride at play. And if that is the case then it's time to admit that you really do want to be in a relationship and that maybe, just maybe, you could do with some help to get you there.

x Selina

It's almost here!

Get Ready for Love - our brand new 30 day online course that will sort out your love life once and for all goes on sale THIS COMING WEDNESDAY!

Top 5 things to do when you really want to be in a relationship but it just doesn't seem to be happening for you

Just over a year ago I was getting into year number six of unwanted singleness...now look at me...you just never know what is around the corner!

Many of you know my story by now: I'm the half of Project Love that really struggled with my love life. For years. While Vicki barely spent a moment of her twenties feeling heart broken or without a boyfriend, I spent my twenties and early thirties in turmoil when it came to my love life.

I was not one of those people who breezily skipped through my single years feeling it was an empowered and conscious choice to be single so that I could spread my wings and fly on whatever whims caught my fancy (although I sometimes liked to give that impression).

I wanted to be in a relationship. And yet, no matter how hard I tried, I found myself landing nothing more than 2 month excitements that dwindled as fast as they'd sparked up, or worse, 2 year non-commital confusions that limped along until finally the other one decided to commit...to someone else.

So I know what it's like to be single for years wondering if it's ever going to happen.

As I blasted through my 30th birthday single and year after year passed me by, I started to think that maybe it just wasn't going to happen for me. I oscillated between a sort of valiant resignation (the rest of my life was great so maybe this was my appointed area of sufferance that balanced out the good stuff in all the other areas) and quiet sad despair.

So now as I return from a week away celebrating our one year anniversary in the sun, with a man who I love so much it still amazes me on a daily basis, who is at once the greatest friend, lover and dance partner I could ever wish to have, who makes me laugh more than anyone else in the world, who leaves me feeling totally secure, free and lit up in the way he loves me and with whom I'm soon to have a baby (6 weeks to go!), I want to send out a message to all of you who are starting to wonder if it's ever going to happen for you.

It can and it will happen for you. You aren't unlucky in love, there is nothing wrong with you, but there could be something wrong with the way you've been going about things when it comes to your love life and YOU have the power to change that.

Because I am living proof that you can turn things around no matter how hopeless you think it is and no matter how hard you've already been trying.

So today I want to share with you my top 5 tips on what to do when you really really want to be in a great relationship, but it just doesn't seem to be happening for you.

Here is how to turn it around:

1. Admit that you're stuck. Really stuck...and then get help

I could have saved myself years of heartbreak if I had just asked for help earlier and admitted that I was really stuck when it came to my love life. The problem was I was embarrassed to admit it. It felt like such failure. I would have been far happier admitting that I was stuck when it came to my career, my health, even my happiness, but not love. Surely that was something I was supposed to be able to just do. And so on I went, feeling sure that things would just magically change. If I hadn't finally admitted to Vicki just how stuck I really was and asked her to help me then I'm pretty sure I'd still be stuck in a singleness that I didn't want, making the same repeated mistakes again and again with the wrong guys. And Project Love would certainly not exist.

So if you're anything like I was and are hoping that things will just figure themselves out when it comes to your love life, then stop that immediately and admit that you are stuck and could do with some help. Then go out and find the right people to help you...we're here ready and waiting ;)

2. Find examples of women that really inspire you who are in great relationships...and learn from them

I struggled for a long time thinking that I was too intimidating for men and that guys didn't fancy women like me. I thought that if I wanted to be in a relationship I was going to have to tone myself down, change who I was and become a different kind of person - one that was desirable to men. So sometimes I tried that. It didn't work out well. What DID work was to find examples of women I loved - my kind of women - who also happened to be in great relationships. That was the inspiration and reassurance I needed to finally believe that it really was possible for me to be able to be ME and be in a great relationship.

3. Confront your fears and negative beliefs around yourself, men and relationships, when it comes to love

Now I look back I can't believe I thought I was 'ready and open to love'. It was like thinking I could grow roses in a bed of weeds. I had so much crap in the way that I just didn't see. So many negative, limiting and unhelpful beliefs around men, myself and dating. As Vicki and I started to dig we found more and more of it. And so we got to work on each of those limiting beliefs and blasted through them until that garden was free of weeds and I was ready to let love flourish in my life. After that it was only a matter of time...

4. Cultivate an amazing relationship with the most important person of all in your life: YOU

This is a topic that I NEVER grow tired of - it's my favourite part of our programme. Learning to love myself was the best thing I could have ever done. If that was why I needed to be single for so long - so that I finally found my way back to me - then I will happily take the years of frustration and heartbreak. Because having learnt to love myself and now making that a key part of my life has changed everything. Every thing.

Your whole experience of life changes when you become the source of love in your life and what I found, and what many of our clients have also since found, is that once you get into THAT, all urgency to be in a relationship fades away and then, of course, that relationship finally turns up.

5.     Welcome love in to your life rather than chasing it down

This was probably the hardest lesson for me to learn. I'm a natural go-getter in life - my success in most areas in my life has been down to the fact that I've gone after things and not stopped until I've got them. And so, naturally, I thought that if I applied that to men, eventually it would work...well you already know how that worked out.

A woman chasing after a man, no matter how subtle she might think she is being, really isn't that attractive. It's just not the feminine approach to life and if there is one area in life it's good to embrace the feminine, it's in our love lives. I thought for a long time that meant having to be more girly, weaker, subservient, just NOT ME. But that is NOT what being feminine is all about. There is so much power to our feminine side. All you have to do is sit still, happy and fulfilled and feeling loved in your own space, welcome love IN and people will come to YOU.

It's like a kind of magic. It's called doing it the feminine way ;)

And so there are my top tips for getting unstuck when you've all but given up hope on your love life.

If I can do it, then you definitely can.

If you are feeling stuck in your love and dating life then take a look at our definitive guide to finding love, 'Get Ready for Love' - the 30 day online course to revolutionise your love life. 

x Selina

Why we love this book & recommend you read it too…

Want a book that will challenge your very notions of love? One that will help you to see why and how so many of us have been getting ourselves into a pickle when it comes to love, relationships and dating? 

Then grab yourself a copy of The Art of Loving by Erich Fromm.

It will blow your mind.

And what’s even more surprising is that it was written in the 1950s.

Written by Eric Fromm, it’s considered a seminal piece in love and relationships and remains just as relevant today as it was when it was written 60 years ago. 

Why do we love it so much?

Well one of the most powerful messages in the book is that there is an art of loving and we can all learn how to be really good at it.  

Rather than running around trying to ‘win’ love from people, Fromm sees it as a skill that we all need to learn.  

He challenges the notion that love should be something that happens naturally and spontaneously. As if we should just instinctively know how to do it. Many of us don't! But even though we may agree with him, there is still such a stigma in seeking help in this area. And he says it is this that has us focusing more on how to be 'loveable' by acting in ways that we think will make us more attractive. When instead what we need to be doing is learning how to increase our capacity to give and receive love (both to ourselves and other people).

He takes a fascinating look at how our capitalist society has us approaching dating like we would shopping (and this was him writing 60 years before Tinder came on the scene!) and how that gets us even more stuck.  

And he gives a nod to that stark contrast between the initial experience of ‘falling’ in love, and the permanent state of being in love, or as we might better say, of ‘standing in love’.

And that was one of those 'aha' moments for us. 

STANDING IN LOVE.

Yes! 

We’re so used to the language in love being passive, things like 'I was swept of my feet', or 'I completely fell for him' so hearing this really stopped us in our tracks.

That initial experience of falling in love is so dreamy, we feel high on love, it’s the stuff Beyoncé sings about. We do indeed feel “Crazy in Love”.  But the 'falling in love' moment is fleeting by it’s very nature and whilst we lose that lusty 'falling-in-love' feeling as our relationships develop, we gain so much more when we are firmly standing in love.

This book taught us that we all have a capacity to love, which means that we can become skilled in love. If we just get over the stigma of asking for help, we can become love pros!

How much richer would our relationships be if we were less consumed with how loveable we were and instead learnt how to cultivate love with all those important people around us. And rather than spending energy on finding someone to love us, we shifted that energy into learning about what makes a good relationship. And isn’t the view much better when you’re standing in love? 

X Vicki and Selina

Are the love stories and fairy tales you grew up with holding you back in life and love?

Think of your favourite Hollywood and Disney love stories - the rom-coms, the tragedies, the classic fairy tales. The ones you were brought up on. The ones you loved.

Now take a closer look at what role the women have in those films and stories - the likes of Snow White, Cinderella, Grease, Dirty Dancing.

What messages are those Hollywood films and Disney fairy tales giving to us about what makes for a good, successful, attractive woman and what doesn't?

Because when you take a closer look at how women are portrayed in the vast majority of Disney animations, Hollywood films and the media, a shocking reality starts to emerge: women are still, by and large, being treated as objects. In fact even more so than we were in the last century. The message is loud and clear: as women, looks are still valued over intellect, values and character. We're not being seen, our true power and value as women isn't being recognised and the narratives we're being offered as women by these hugely influential powers are at best limiting and at worst damaging.

And if you think you aren't hugely influenced by these messages then think again.

This is what the the incredible star-studded documentary film 'Miss Representation' is all about.

Watch it and prepared to feel seriously fired up!

You'll see just how much your beliefs and judgements about you and other women and what makes us attractive or not attractive have been shaped by these limiting female narratives offered to us by Hollywood, Disney and the media.

You can watch the trailer here:
 

http://www.missrepresentation.org http://facebook.com/missrepresentationcampaign http://twitter.com/representpledge

And you can either buy or rent it here ($3.99 to rent) or watch it on Netflix if you're a subscriber.

Miss Representation had a huge impact on both of us when we watched it. We dedicated a whole podcast to it.

It really drove home to us the shocking degree to which our beliefs around what we thought we had to be like to be considered attractive and womanly, had been shaped by the media and the film industry. And not in a good way.

There is a serious lack of powerful narratives for women and it's having a huge and detrimental impact on the way we view ourselves and the way men view us. And men don't have it that much better.

This documentary set us both free in so many ways and we encourage everyone to watch it - women and men alike.

Because once you realise the limited and often damaging narratives that you've been fed by the media and film industry and how much these narratives have been influencing you, you have a choice.

You can choose to unplug from those narratives and start to write your own narrative of what it is to be a woman.

Narratives that empower you rather than limit you.

x Selina

P.S. when you watch it come back here and let us know how you found it!

PODCAST SHOW: How to be a Good Lover

In today's podcast, we take you through what we have found to be the 5 essential elements to creating a happy and healthy love life.

We discuss the many things that get in the way of love and we show you how to clear the blocks to allow love to flow more freely in and out of your life. Or rather, how to be your own love factory!

Listen in, try out some of the exercises and let us know how you get on!

x Selina and Vicki

What's YOUR language of love?

One of the mistakes we make in relationships is that we assume others show love in the same way we do. And if they don’t, we wonder…

Where did the love go?

We know that good communication is absolutely essential for a happy and healthy relationship but while this is relatively easy to understand, it’s not so easy to put into practice.

Why? Because we all express love in different ways.

And according to Dr Gary Chapman (who helps millions of couples find the love they thought was lost), there are exactly 5 ways that we express our love. He calls these love languages. And just like with language, there are many different dialects or iterations within those 5 too (which explains the various articles that claim there are 100’s of ways to express your love!)

So if we think about how we learn languages. Most of us grow up learning the language of our parents and this becomes our primary language. Let’s say this is English. Now, further down the line we may learn a secondary language like German. Now even though we can speak both English and German, we’ll find it much easier to speak English and we’re way more comfortable speaking it over German.

If we then hang out with someone who speaks Chinese but we don’t speak Chinese then our conversation will be limited. And it will all be a bit awkward to try and talk to them (pointing, gesturing. mumbling - you get the gist).

If we wish to communicate with the person who speaks Chinese, we must learn to speak and understand Chinese.

In love it’s similar. We all have our own emotional love language. Now your love language and the one of your lover, friend or any kind of relationship in your life may be as different as English to Chinese. If that person only understands Chinese and you keep speaking to them in English then you’ll never understand how to love them.

So what can we do about it?

Well we can learn our lovers primary love language and adopt it as our secondary love language. All we need is curiosity, willingness and an open heart and mind to experiment with it.

In love, the languages are:

1. Words of affirmation (compliments, words of encouragement, a gushy text, a heartfelt email)
2. Quality time (giving someone your undivided attention)
3. Receiving gifts (making someone a homemade card, giving presents like flowers or gig tickets)
4. Acts of service (doing the washing up, walking the dog, life admin)
5. Physical touch (having sex, kissing, holding hands, cuddles)

Any of these sound familiar?

If not, you can take the test and find out what your love language is here

Rarely do we have the same primary love language as the people we have relationships with. We tend to speak our language and then we get frustrated or confused when that person doesn’t understand us.

Let me give you an example…

If you absolutely LOVE to be showered in compliments and to receive gushy text messages from your loved one and that makes you feel like you’ve been showered in gold (which is how Project Love's Selina Barker likes her love to be delivered!) . Then your primary love language is “Words of Affirmation”. But, if the way your partner feels love is when you give them your undivided attention and spend quality time with them, their primary language is “Quality Time”. So in order for you to express your love, you need to give them this time, so phones and laptops away, TV off, just listening to them, empathising, asking questions and really engaging with them with no distractions.

So don’t assume the love language that others speak is the same as your own. And I’m talking about any relationship in your life, so not just romantic ones but also friendships, family relationships and even work relationships.

Tweet: Meeting someone else’s need for love is a choice. One that you can make every day if you’re willing @_ProjectLove_

When you’re speaking their language, think of it like you’re filling up their emotional love tank.

So keep the love tank full and see what a difference it makes to your relationships!

V x

Challenge – find out what your love language is and the one of your lover, friend, family member and try speaking their language for 30 days. Let us know how you get on, over on FB or Twitter - we bet it will transform your relationships!

What's the REAL reason you're still single?

Why are you still single?

Really why?

I bet people say to you that they are amazed you’re still single. That they can’t believe men aren’t banging down your door to get a date with you.

So why aren’t they? Why are you still single?

Stop and have a think about it

Are you too intimidating to men?
Have you left it too late so that all the good guys have now been taken?
Do you only seem to attract assholes?
Are you not what men view as ‘relationship material’?
Are you just not the kind of woman guys fancy?
Are men too spoilt for choice and don’t seem to want to commit?
(insert your reasons here)

My main one – one which I didn’t much like to admit to, but deep down knew was true – was that I just wasn’t the kind of woman that guys fancied.

How did I know this? Because there was a LOT of evidence to back it up.

I never got asked out on dates, never got chatted up, I never caught guys checking me out and I had been rejected by enough guys to convince me of this fact.

And I wasn’t alone in feeling like this.

Ask most women why they’re still single, what they think the real reason is and the answers they give will either see it being a problem with them (not being enough or being too much) or a problem out there in the world (either with men or modern life), that’s making meeting-the-right-guy almost impossible for someone like them. 

And that is why, when we first start working with women to sort out their love lives, we head straight for this list of reasons and start our work there.

Because here’s the thing: as real as these reasons might really feel to you when you’re in this situation and as much as you might think you have plenty of evidence to back them up, THEY ARE NOT THE REASON YOU ARE SINGLE.

None of them. They about as real as suggesting you are single because you like apples or because your favourite colour is blue.

It’s nonsense.

The real reason you are single isn’t actually any of the reasons you’ve listed.

The real reason you are single is because you believe those reasons to be true.

And the chances are, you’ve conveniently chosen reasons that leave you believing that you’re almost entirely powerless to be able to do anything about your love life.

It’s full-blown self-sabotage.

You’ve wrapped yourself up so firmly in a web of limiting and negative beliefs about yourself, about what’s out there and about men as a whole that you wouldn’t see love if it was banging on your door trying to take you out on a date.

Because you’re already committed.

Committed to being right about not being enough, about not being loveable and about circumstances being pitted against you.

And it is THAT that is screwing up your love life.

Those limiting and negative beliefs that you are stubbornly believing in are having a huge and negative impact on your actions, your choices and your behavior around your love life. They are determining the kind of person you’re attracted to and the kind of person who is going to be attracted to you.

And not in a good way.

Think about it. If for example you think guys don’t fancy you or are intimidated by you, how are you going to be acting, what body language are you going to be giving off, what signals are you going to be putting out there?

And so what do you think you’re going to get back?

It’s something we seem to forget: that our beliefs create our reality

If you want to change anything in your life then you have to take a look at your mindset and the beliefs you have running the show.

And your love life is no different. First you have to take a look at the beliefs you’re living by: the reasons why you believe you are still single and haven’t found love yet.

And then challenge every single one of those beliefs. Flip them on their head. You’ve been brilliant at finding evidence to back those beliefs up. Now be brilliant at finding evidence to the contrary.

I’ll give you an example: let’s say you think you’re still single because ‘men are intimidated by strong, confident women’.

Now think of all the friends you have that are in happy relationships with guys you like. Are all these women weak and unconfident? You can’t think of a single person you know or who you have ever met who is strong and confident like you and in a happy relationship?…

Exactly.

See how full of holes your argument is?

And yet you’ve been living by that belief. And it is THAT that has been getting in the way of you finding your way into a happy and healthy relationship and not your strong character or whatever else you thought was the problem.

So now you’ve busted through your first limiting belief you can move onto the next one and do the same with that, until you’ve been through every reason on your list and busted through the lot of them.

As you do this you create the space to now fill with new beliefs that actually support you in finding the loving partner you’re looking for.

You do that by finding lots of inspiration and evidence that proves that finding love absolutely IS possible for someone like you. Focus your attention on all the women like you who ARE in great relationships. Listen to real love stories of how people like you have met their loved ones in all manner of different ways and focus your attention on all the good quality men out there (regardless of whether you fancy them or not) who are also single, reminding you that there are still plenty of good guys out there (who could be just around the corner!)

Because as soon as you start to believe in it, as soon as you start to realize how possible it really is, then your actions, your choices and the whole vibe you are giving off will shift from hopeless, frustrated and powerless (which will be attracting the wrong kinds of guys) to positive, relaxed and ready.

Once you do that, you probably won’t be single for much longer…

X Selina

Let us know what you thought of this blog post by leaving your comments below or on our facebook page!

Tweet it out: “Our beliefs create our reality” @_ProjectLove_

 

How to kick start your journey of love...

When there is a big change that you want to see happen in your life then setting clear goals are incredibly powerful to help get you from where you are to where you need to be.

But when it comes to your love life, isn’t it a bit un-romantic to plan your future in this way?

Well think of it this way, how can you hit your target when you don’t know where you’re aiming?

Or to put it more eloquently:

“If you aim at nothing, you will hit it every time”

— Zig Ziglar

Maybe goals are just dreams with deadlines?

And by setting deadlines, it helps to focus our energy in positive directions

So when it comes to love, what do you dream of, deep in your heart?

Is it a partner in life who you can have never-ending adventures with? Is it a partner that you can grow a family with? Is it a loving and healthy relationship that you feel both safe and free in?

Now daring to dream and getting clear on what it is you really want is incredibly important when bringing about a change in your life. However, you can have all the dreams in the world, but if you don’t act on them, how will you get to where you want to go?

Well consider goals to be your stepping stones to get there.

Ok, so how do you actually set those goals?

Well this exercise is one that we give to all of our clients when we start working with them.

Go through all of the different levels below and note down where you want to be at each stage. Dream big! It doesn’t matter if they sound wafty because big dreams can be broken down into smaller chunks. We’ll show you how…

Meet Lara, she’s 32, bit of a high flyer in her career, enjoying her success but the stress that comes from the job is starting to become unmanageable.  The sense of purpose that came through work just isn’t enough anymore and it now feels like something is missing. She knows something needs to change. She’s had a history of non-starter relationships and worries that she’s running out of time to meet someone, settle down and start a family…

Where do I want to be in 25 years?

I’ll be happily married with three kids, living in the countryside / by the sea. I’ll be working from home part-time with some side projects. My free time would be spent with my husband and kids, pursuing hobbies and seeing friends.

Where do I want to be in 5 years?

I’ll be married to my best friend – my partner in crime. We’ll be getting to grips with being new parents and enjoying the adventure. I’ll be working less hours and starting to wind down in my career. We would be thinking about moving out of the city for a less hectic life. We’d be in a good place financially

Where do I want to be in 1 year?

I’ll be with someone who really “gets me”. He shows me love and respect. The relationship is healthy and I’m incredibly happy. We don’t yet live together but I think it will happen soon. I’ll own my own place and work will be fulfilling and exciting.

Where do I want to be in 3 months (June)?

I’ll feel positive about my love life and that it’s not a matter of if I meet someone, it’s when. I’ll be enjoying dating and meeting people and I’ll be open to see who I’m attracted to. I’ll know what I want and I’ll feel confident to get out there and start attracting awesome men into my life.

Now the next part is the fun bit and it brings it all to life..

What can I do NOW to put the conditions in place (to get me where I need to be in June)?

I will make a commitment to myself to make love a priority. I will start to figure out how this self-love thing works! I will look at the ways in which I can focus on getting in the right mindset for love and working out what I want from a relationship.

What can I do to get those conditions set up as soon as possible?

I’ll go and find people who can help, coach and teach me about getting into the right mindset for love and all this self-love stuff. I’ll go and see what workshops, coaching programmes, talks etc are out there for women like me who are ready to do something about their love lives and I’ll choose one to attend in the next two weeks!

And that is how you take a dream, bring it out of the realm of fantasy and very much into the real world: by making goals and taking action.

Now as luck would have it for Lara, our Get Ready for Love workshop in London is coming up on the 17th March. A perfect way for her to get started on getting her love life on track!

So if, like Lara, you’re also feeling ready to kick start your journey of love then come and join us. All it takes is turning up next Tuesday evening with an open mind and heart.

We've designed the Get Ready for Love Workshop to share with you what we've discovered to be the most effective and powerful tools to help you get ready for love and transform your love life in 2015.

We can’t wait for this workshop and we’d absolutely love you to join us. To find out more about the workshop and book your place, head over here

And if you have any questions at all that you want to ask us about the workshop and what to expect from it, then shoot your questions over by replying to this email.

x Vicki and Selina

P.S. We might not be running this workshop again for a while so if you really want to come but you have something else on that date, then reschedule your other commitment and come join us!

If you read just ONE book on love, make it this one

This book was given to me by a friend as we lay on a beach in Goa, while I was single and Project Love was in its infancy.

That same copy is now sitting by me as I write. It's now dog-eared with half of the corners turned down, paragraphs underlined throughout and notes in every margin.

It had a profound effect on me.

And since reading it I've recommended it to almost everyone I know.

And now I'm recommending it to you.

The book?

Zen and the Art of Falling in Love by Brenda Shoshana

So what makes this book so special?

Well for me it totally transformed my whole understanding and approach to love.

It offers a deep wisdom about love and the nature of it that I believe we all instinctively know, but have forgotten.

It showed me that I had been doing it all wrong: I had been looking for love on the outside to fill me, when what I actually had to do was to open up to the love that already existed within me, so that it filled me up with love and flowed outwards to connect me with other loving people. It was about opening up to love, not finding it.

It introduced me to so many subtle, gentle and profound new ways of looking at love that's it hard to really summarise it, but what I can say is that it shifted me into a whole new space when it came to love and I've remained there ever since. That is the power of the book.

Throughout the book Brenda Shoshana, a psychologist, relationship expert and Zen practitioner, draws on the principles of Zen practice in a way that offers new insights to love, relationships and communication. You don't have to know anything about Zen practice and she's not telling you to go on a silent retreat to change your love life (although by the sounds of it it does seem to help!). What it does is offers a totally fresh way of looking at love and relationships, grounded in the lessons of a wise and ancient practice, that sets you free from the limited and fear-led way we're brought up to approach love and relationships in modern society.

It's no exaggeration to say that this book set me free. And I have seen it do the same for numerous other people that I've recommended it to.

Here's a little quote from it to leave you with, but what I recommend is that you just order it right now and get stuck in. And if you've read the book, or once you have read it, please come back here and let us know what you think by leaving your comments below!

"Now with a little patience it's only a matter of time before the person who knows how to love starts emerging from within. This person knows how to discover the 'right relationship' and how to thrive in it completely. Isn't it time you let her free?"

x Selina

PODCAST SHOW | Project Love Real Love Stories | Vicki Interviews Selina

Happy Day of Love people!

To celebrate this special day, we've got a juicy real love story as I interview our very own Selina Barker!

Listen in to hear Selina share her beautiful love story as she reflects on Valetine's Day this year to the two preceding Valentine's Days. 

Woven into her story, she reveals the lessons learnt along the way with advice for single women who want to find a happy and healthy relationship.

Plus a very exciting piece of news!!

Leave your comments below and if you loved this podcast please share the love on Facebook, Twitter and beyond!

V x

If you're in London, come and join us on 17th February for our Get Ready for Love workshop!

Find out more and grab your ticket here

3 steps to transform your love life - Selina's interview with Addictive Daughters

Selina met up (well virtually) with the gorgeous Addictive Daughters this week to shoot a Valentine-special video.

She shares the story of the transformation of her own love life over the past 2 year, the 3 steps to transform your love life which are at the heart of Project Love and, together with the AD ladies, has set a challenge for you to do this Valentine's day: doing Valentine's Day the Project Love way...

Visit our gorgeous friends at addictivedaughter.com and let us know what you're going to do this Valentine's day.

And if you enjoyed this then share it!

10 alternative ways of looking at rejection

No-one likes rejection. Whether it's not landing your dream job, your dream house falling through or not hearing back from that guy you fancy, it feels pretty shitty when someone tells us "no".

When we experience something that makes us feel bad, our lizard brain (the most primitive part) will make a mental note for us to avoid stuff like this in the future. Because it wants to keep us safe. It wants to protect us from the hurt we feel when we don't get asked out on that second date or the slap in the face when the guy you've been seeing just mysteriously goes off radar and you never hear from him again. Nice.

But is this fear of rejection holding you back? Do you sulk for ages before getting back out there? Or vow never to text back first next time? Or tell yourself to never ever be the one to ask him out on a second date next time - "wait for him to come to you"?

We can wrap ourselves up nice and cosy in cotton wool but there’s no getting around the fact that rejection is inevitable. It's happened to us before and it will happen to us again. No matter how hard we try and avoid it, we can't control it. Grrrreeeeat I hear you say…

But wait… what we can control is our relationship with it. Because it's not the rejection itself that's the problem, it's how we choose to perceive it.

It all starts with our mindset...

Our mindset affects our behaviour and our behaviour determines our outcomes.

So by thinking differently about rejection, we can actually change the course of our lives.

That's why we've pulled together our top 10 alternative ways of looking at rejection.

So the next time you get rejected. And it's not IF it happens it's WHEN it happens, try one of these on for size and see how it makes you feel...

1.  Rejection is redirection
2. Rejection is feedback
3. Every rejection is a stepping stone towards my ideal outcome
4. Rejection is setting me free
5. Rejection is my hearts way of saying no
6. Rejection is my future self thanking me for creating the space for my future to show up
7. Rejection is a part of life
8. Rejection is an invitation to something better
9. Rejection is honesty
10. Rejection is necessary

Tweet your favourite from this list and - as a bonus exercise - ask someone you love if they've ever been thankful of the rejections they've had? We'd love to hear your stories - share them with us on Facebook / Twitter

V x

Get clear on what your dream guy looks like...then dump him

There are a lot of visualisation exercises out there that encourage those of us looking for love to conjure up our future partner to help attract him into our lives.

The idea being that the clearer you are on what you're looking for, the easier it will be to spot him. In fact some suggest that that vision alone has power enough to draw him into your life like some kind of magical love magnet.

I bought into this idea for years and even when Project Love started out we were playing around with these kinds of visualisations.

I loved them. I'm a great visualiser and being able to picture the man I felt sure I'd end up with was both comforting and gave me a sense of control. I felt that the more I could picture him the closer I was getting to him.

But while it might have felt good, like fantasies so often can, spending all your time getting clear on the profile of the guy you're looking for and waiting for him to cross your path is actually working against you and massively limiting your chances of finding the love you long for.

Because here is the thing: the more women we've spoken to and interviewed who are happily in love and partnered up, the more we've found that the majority of them did not end up with the kind of guy they imagined they would end up with. Far from it.

And that very much includes me.

I did a LOT of visualising and mood boarding of the kind of man I thought I wanted to end up with. For years.

And I can safely say that the man I actually am utterly in love with and wake up to every morning is nothing like any of the partners of my visualisations or mood boards. Not only that, he actually ticks a lot of the boxes on my 'not' list.

Had I met him a year before, when I had yet to go through my own Project Love journey, I probably wouldn't have even gone on that first date at all. And all because he didn't match the picture I had in my head.

But luckily by the time our paths crossed I'd dumped those mood board images of the man I was supposed to end up with and had quit the visualising. Instead, having heard from so many happily in love women that they'd ended up with a guy they would never have imagined they'd end up with,  I had fully opened up to being surprised at who I could be attracted to and what kind of guy would turn out to be perfect for me.

And with that I opened up the door for true love to enter into my life.

So consider that you don't know what your type is either and that thinking you do could be the very thing preventing you from finding love.

If you've got a clear picture of the kind of guy you think would be perfect for you, if you've got a list, mood board or an image in your head of what he's like, then it's time to dump him.

LET HIM GO.

Instead be clear on what you want in very basic terms:  eg. a man that you are attracted to and who is attracted to you, who is open and available to having a relationship and who is emotionally healthy, loving and respectful.

Be clear on how you want to feel around him from the offset: eg. safe, relaxed, valued.

You can visualise plenty around that - visualisation is a powerful tool when done in the right way.

But scrap any ideas of what that guy looks like, what he does, what his character is like, where he comes from.

Drop the fantasy and let the real thing show up.

x Selina

P.S. If you liked this, don't forget to spread the love! Share it on facebook or twitter

Our top 5 favourite articles on love

Over the past year we have been digging and delving deep online to find the best articles and thought leaders when it comes to finding love and making it last and these are our top 5 favourite articles:

1. How to pick your life partner

This article from waitbutwhy.com is so rich in wisdom, it's worth ready over at least 3 times and taking notes. We did!

2. Are you ready for love?

We can become obsessed with wanting to be in a relationship and find that special person but many of us, when we take a closer look, aren't actually ready for love. This article is short and sweet but makes the point well

3. The habits of supremely happy people

While it's not about love, this is all about happiness and one of our key lessons is that if you want to find yourself in a happy relationship with a happy person then you have to learn how to make yourself happy first.

This article is rich and intelligent and a great starting point if you want to learn how happy people stay that way.

4. The Magical Kitchen

This is actually an extract from the book 'Mastery of Love' by Don Miguel Ruiz. It's a wonderful and powerful analogy of why, when we don't love ourselves enough, we are prone to attracting and inviting people into our lives who are looking to use and control us.

5. Zen and the Art of Falling in Love

There is an entire blog post coming soon, dedicated to the book Zen and the Art of Falling in Love by Brenda Shoshanna. We can't recommend it enough. Here she pulls out some of the key messages from the book and some exercises to go with them.

x Selina